The Onion Daily Dispatch - August 03, 2012

Fri Aug 03, 2012 www.theonion.com

Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own' 08.03.12 WASHINGTON—Following a two-day meeting to discuss the country's continually disappointing employment numbers, officials from the Federal Reserve announced Friday that if jobs are really meant to be with the American people, they’ll return of t... News in Brief » Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes American Voices » Hotmail Rebranded Outlook.com “Microsoft is a really nimble company.” opinion » I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran by Michael Cowie By Michael Cowie Radio News » Scientists Say Venom Taken From Politicians Could Provide Medical Benefits

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, I'd like to change my response to your online poll from last Wednesday to "Yes, I believe in angels." — Thomas Slye, Anaheim, CA Most Popular » Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own' Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box Badminton World Rocked By Worst Scandal Since Dad Tapped Aunt Carla's Ass With Racket Nation's Lower Class At Least Grateful It Not Part Of Nation's Middle Class I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’

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