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Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading Machine

December 10th, 2012Top Story

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading Machine

By Whitson Gordon

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineA low-powered home server is one of the best ways to download files with BitTorrent and Usenet, but if you really want to stay safe on file sharing services, you need to anonymize your traffic. Here's how to turn your FreeNAS box into the ultimate downloading machine so you can download safely and monitor its activity from anywhere.

We've shown you how to turn an old computer into a networked backup, streaming, and torrenting machine with FreeNAS, and even gone a little further and installed some Usenet and media management programs on it. But even with all that power, our downloading machine is missing a few things. Namely:

  1. A VPN service that can anonymize all our traffic, to keep it safe from prying eyes
  2. A method of monitoring our downloads and media management tools from the internet, so you can keep up with them from anywhere—even your phone

In this guide, we'll show you how to add both of these features, turning your home server into the ultimate anonymous downloading machine.

Note: If you're just starting out, we recommend checking out our other FreeNAS guides first. Our original guide will show you how to set up FreeNAS 7, while our second guide will show you how to install programs manually, using Usenet as an example. Keep in mind that, while we're still referring to it as FreeNAS to keep some consistency with earlier guides, these guides use the FreeNAS 7 project, now known as NAS4Free, instead of the more current FreeNAS 8 (which we won't be using). This guide should work whether you have an old FreeNAS 7 box or a new NAS4Free box—they're essentially the same piece of software.

Set Up a VPN for Anonymous Downloading

We've said it once, and we'll say it again: the only way to stay anonymous is by using a proxy or VPN service. Yes, it costs money—usually around $10 a month or so—but these days, you shouldn't download without one. Unfortunately, FreeNAS doesn't come with a VPN, so you'll need to do it from scratch. Luckily, that isn't too hard—you just need to find a VPN service that works for you.

What You Should Look For in a VPN

There are a lot of great VPN services out there, and everyone has different needs, so you'll want to find one that works for you. Here are the features you may need to look for:

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading Machine

  • OpenVPN Support without plain-text authentication. Most VPNs support OpenVPN—which is what we'll be using on our NAS—but many of them require you to store your username and password in a plain text file. Not only is this insecure, but it requires additional features that require a complex installation, so we don't want that. If you're considering a VPN service, look up their guides on how they work OpenVPN. There won't usually be any guides for FreeBSD, but their Linux guide should be a good example. If it requires having some sort of password.txt file rather than a .key file, you'll want to look elsewhere.
  • Port Forwarding, if you want to use the VPN in conjunction with the first tip in this guide regarding monitoring your NAS from afar. Otherwise, you won't be able to specify which ports on the VPN go to your NAS. Check your VPN's FAQ to see if it supports port forwarding if you want to use Dynamic DNS (and note that this is different from the port forwarding on your router—it's a feature of the VPN service itself).
  • BitTorrent Support. Some privacy servers have clauses against using their services for BitTorrent, so if you're using BitTorrent on your NAS, you obviously want to make sure your VPN allows it.
  • Other Privacy Features depending on your wants and needs. If you're going for anonymity, you should obviously look for a VPN client that doesn't log activity, but you might even want one that accepts Bitcoin or goes through a specific country. This is up to you, and is often advertised heavily on the VPN's home page.

For this guide, we'll be using a VPN service called Mullvad as an example, but I highly recommend you research other VPN services that fit your specific needs. Everyone is different, and what VPN you choose will be based on how you're using your NAS and what kind or privacy features or services you want. Photo by Pavel Ignatov (Shutterstock).

Step One: Set Up a Jail for Installing New Programs

We'll need to install OpenVPN from the FreeBSD command line, just like we did with SABnzbd and Sick Beard in our previous guide. Before you do so, you'll need to set up a "jail" on your system, which allows you to install programs on one of your NAS' drives (since our FreeNAS installation resides on a flash drive).

If you followed our guide to setting up SABnzbd and Sick Beard, you can skip this step and move on to step two of this guide, since you've already done all of this.

First, SSH into your NAS. Windows users should download PuTTY, and type in the IP address of your NAS on the main page. You'll want to log in as root and type in the password you created for yourself when you set up the NAS. If you're on OS X, type this command into the Terminal and press Enter.

ssh -l root 192.168.0.10

Where 192.168.0.10 is the IP address of your NAS.

Once you've logged in as root, you'll need to create a few folders and mount them, using the following commands. Replace SEAGATE with the drive on your NAS where you'll store the programs.

cd /mnt/SEAGATE
mkdir extensions
cd extensions
mkdir var
mkdir usr
mkdir tmp
mount_unionfs -o w /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/usr/ /usr/
umount -f /var
mount_unionfs -o w /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/var/ /var/

This puts your usr, var and tmp folders on an actual hard drive where you'll be allowed to install programs that don't come with your NAS. You'll want to run a few of these every time you start up your NAS from now on, so head to your NAS' web interface and go to System > Advanced > Command Scripts and add the following command to the list as a PostInit script:

mount_unionfs -o w /mnt/Media/extensions/usr/ /usr/

When you're done, head to step two.

Step Two: Install OpenVPN

We're going to use OpenVPN to connect to our VPN service. Assuming you're running the newest version of NAS4Free, which is based on FreeBSD 9, run the following commands:

setenv PKG_TMPDIR /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/tmp/
setenv PACKAGESITE "ftp://ftp.freebsd.org/pub/FreeBSD/ports/i386/packages-9-current/Latest/"
pkg_add -rv openvpn

If you're using an older version of FreeNAS, check what version of FreeBSD it's based on from the home page of the Web interface. Chances are, it's FreeBSD 7.3, in which case you'll want to install OpenVPN with the following commands instead:

setenv PKG_TMPDIR /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/tmp/
setenv PACKAGESITE "http://ftp6.us.freebsd.org/pub/FreeBSD-Archive/ports/i386/packages-7.3-release/Latest/"
pkg_add -rv openvpn

Everyone's NAS may be a little bit different, so make sure you're installing the correct package for your NAS' software. You'll also want to replace i386 with amd64 if your NAS is 64-bit.

Step Three: Set Up OpenVPN with Your VPN Service

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineThis is the trickiest part. Now, you need to head to your VPN provider's web site and look up their OpenVPN guide. Chances are, it'll have a ZIP file you can download with a config file and some certificates inside. With Mullvad, for example, you get a ZIP with a config file for Windows and Linux, as well as a .key file and a few .crt files. First, we're going to edit our config file. Open it up in your favorite text editor (the Linux one is best, if it exists) and take a peek inside. It should look something like this:

client
dev tun
proto udp
remote openvpn.mullvad.net 1194
resolv-retry infinite
nobind
persist-key
persist-tun
ca master.mullvad.net.crt
cert mullvad.crt
key mullvad.key
remote-cert-tls server
comp-lzo
verb 3
ping-restart 120
ping 10

Usually it'll have some instructions inside, too, so you know what each setting does. Most of the defaults should be fine, but if you have any trouble, try some of the above settings and see if they work (obviously using your VPN's server under remote and the correct file names under ca, cert, and or key.

When you're done, SSH back into your NAS and run the following command:

mkdir /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/usr/local/etc/openvpn

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineRename your configuration file to openvpn.conf and drag it into your newly-created folder, along with any .crt and .key files that came with it. You may need to drag them to /mnt/SEAGATE first, then use the FreeNAS File Manager (Advanced > File Manager from the Web interface) to copy them to /mnt/SEAGATE/extensions/usr/local/etc/openvpn.

Lastly, open up your NAS' web interface and head to System > Advanced > rc.conf and add the following variables:

openvpn_enable with a value of YES
openvon_if with a value of tun

Once you've saved those variables, continue to the next step to try running OpenVPN for the first time.

Step Four: Start OpenVPN

Once all your config files are in place and your ports are forwarded, it's time to try running OpenVPN for the first time. Open up your NAS' web interface and go to Advanced > Command. Type the following command into the "Command" box and press Execute:

/usr/local/etc/rc.d/openvpn start /usr/local/etc/openvpn/openvpn.conf

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineThen, head to Diagnostics > Log to see if your VPN works properly. You should see a pretty big wall of text, ending with something like openvpn[1234]: Initialization Sequence Completed. (You may need to refresh your log a few times before it shows up, as it'll take a few seconds for the VPN to start). If everything looks okay, SSH back into your NAS and try to ping www.google.com again. If it works, you've successfully set up a VPN on your NAS!

If it didn't work, you may need to change some settings in your config file. Look for any errors you see in your log and try it again. If OpenVPN is running but you can't connect, you'll need to go to Advanced > Command and run kill 1234 before trying again, where 1234 is the process ID of OpenVPN. You'll see this in the log, and it'll change every time you restart OpenVPN.

This is the hardest part of the process, and troubleshooting the problem is different for everyone depending on your VPN service and the other things you have running on your NAS. Don't give up, and make sure to follow all the instructions to the letter to get everything working. If you're using BitTorrent, now would be a good time to check your torrent client's IP using CheckMyTorrentIP.com, as described in step three of our BitTorrent anonymization guide. If you get your VPN's IP, then you've successfully set up an anonymous downloading NAS!

Step Five: Set Up Your Firewall

The last thing you should do, once your VPN is up and running, is set up a firewall on your NAS that blocks all traffic except your VPN connection. That way, if your VPN goes down, your NAS won't fall back on your regular connection, which can expose your actual IP and destroy any anonymity you may have had.

In your NAS' web interface, go to Network > Firewall. Everyone's firewall may be a bit different, but here's a template you can use to create your rules:

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading Machine

Click on the image for a closer look. Going number by number in the image, here's what each set of rules does:

  1. This rule allows all local traffic on your network. That way, no matter what happens, you can still access your NAS and its web interface from your other computers.
  2. These two rules allow your DNS connection, which usually travels along port 53.
  3. These two rules allow your VPN to establish a connection. The rule in the screenshot assumes your VPN uses port 1194 to do so. If you use a different port in your OpenVPN config file, use that here instead.
  4. These rules allow any traffic that travels over the VPN, like your downloading. These may be different depending on your VPN service you use. Look in the log when you connect and see what IP addresses it uses in its routes. For example, mine uses addresses like 10.8.0.169, so I added 10.8.0.0/24 to my firewall to allow any connections from that range of IP addresses.
  5. These rules allow multicast connections, which your NAS will need if it uses services like Bonjour to connect to other computers on your home network. Not everyone needs these open, but you may—if you don't add these rules, you'll just see a few errors in your log from time to time that don't matter.
  6. These two rules allow DHCP, if your NAS uses it. If you have a static IP, you don't need this rule.
  7. Lastly, this rule denies all other traffic that doesn't match the above rules. For our purposes, this basically means all traffic that doesn't go through the VPN. If your VPN goes down, your NAS won't be able to access the internet, and everyone trying to peep on your downloading will not be able to see who you are.

Again, your firewall may differ a bit, but this is a good place to start. Click the Plus sign to add each individual rule, and when you're done, check the Enable box and click "Save and Restart" in the bottom left corner. Head back to your SSH window and try to ping www.google.com again, first with OpenVPN running, and then after you've killed OpenVPN as described in step four. The ping should work correctly when OpenVPN is running, and return errors when OpenVPN isn't running. Again, if it doesn't work correctly, you may have to fiddle with some settings until you get it right.

Once everything's working properly, give yourself a pat on the back, because you've now anonymized all the traffic coming in and out of your NAS! It's not an easy process, especially because it's a little different for everyone, but it can be done—it just takes a little patience and a little knowledge about how all everything works.

Monitor Your Downloads From Afar with Dynamic DNS

So you've got yourself a kickass downloading machine, but what happens when you're out and about and come across a file you'd like to download? Or maybe you want to check in on your server and see what TV shows you've downloaded or ripped to your home theater PC? By default, you can't access your NAS from outside your home network, but all it takes is a few tweaks to make this possible. Then you can monitor downloads, start new ones, and check in with your NAS from your laptop, phone, or even someone else's computer while on-the-go.

Step One: Sign Up for a Dynamic DNS Service

We've talked about how to do this before, and the process is pretty similar with your NAS. To start, you'll want to sign up for a service like DynDNS or No IP, which will give your home network an easy-to-remember domain name like myawesomenas.dynalias.org. This makes your NAS easier to connect to from the outside world, and ensure you don't need to memorize a bunch of different IP addresses. Most of these services are free, though you can pay a fee for more advanced features.

Before you sign up, check your router's admin page to see which services your router supports. Mine only supports DynDNS, for example, so that was the one I had to use. Other routers may support different services, so check the Dynamic DNS settings of your router for more info.

Step Two: Set Up Dynamic DNS on Your Router and NAS

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineOnce you've signed up for your service of choice, head back to your router's admin page and type in your credentials and domain name into the provided boxes. This will be different for every router, but yous hould find it in your router's settings under "Dynamic DNS," "DDNS," or something similar.

Next, do the same thing on your NAS. Open up your NAS' web interface and go to Services > Dynamic DNS. Pick your provider, type in your domain name and credentials, then check the Enable box in the upper-right corner. Click the Save and Restart button to start the service.

Step Three: Forward Any Necessary Ports

Lastly, you'll probably need to forward a few ports on your router so your NAS is accessible from the outside world. Once again, we've talked about this before, so check our guide to port forwarding if this is the first time you've done it.

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineIf you're using a VPN, all you need to do is forward the port that your VPN uses to connect. In our case, that's port 1194, as shown in our VPN config file. So, head to your router's configuration page and find the section for port forwarding, then forward port 1194 over the UDP protocol.

You'll also need to set up port forwarding from your VPN service's web site. Otherwise, your VPN won't know who you are when you try to connect from the outside world (since a number of other users are using the same VPN as you). Head to your VPN's home page, log in, and look for the section on port forwarding. (If you're using Mullvad, it's on the main page after you log in). Click the New button to add a new port. Your VPN service decides how many you're allowed to have; many limit you to just a few so you don't hoard them from other users.

Turn Your FreeNAS Box Into the Ultimate Anonymous Downloading MachineNow, you don't get to choose which ports your VPN gives you, so after it's assigned a few ports to your account, you'll need to assign them to the services on your NAS. For example, if your VPN assigns you port 12345 after clicking "New," and you want to access your BitTorrent downloads from afar, you'll need to go into your BitTorrent settings on your NAS (Services > BitTorrent) and change the web UI's port number to 12345. If you're running other web-based services, like Sabnzbd or Sick Beard, you'll need to assign them each their own port as well, as provided to you by your VPN service. Note that you won't be able to access your NAS' web interface from afar, since you can't customize what port it uses, but you can access everything else, which is really what's important. Be sure to update your bookmarks with the new port numbers, too!

Step Four: Try Accessing Your NAS From Elsewhere

Lastly, just try to access one of your web interfaces using your new hostname. For example, if your hostname is myawesomenas.dynalias.org and your newly-assigned BitTorrent port is 12345, you would type the following into your address bar to access it:

http://myawesomenas.dynalias.org:12345/transmission/web/

Again, repeat this process for any other services you have running, like SABnzbd or Sick Beard. If everything works, then congratulations! Now you can monitor your downloads, add new downloads, and otherwise keep track of your NAS from anywhere on any device.


It isn't a simple process, and it can be a little different for everyone, but all the setup is well worth it. When you're done, you'll have a quiet, low-power machine that stays on 24/7 and downloads all your files for you, completely anonymously, with easy access from wherever you are. If you run into any problems during setup, be sure to check out the NAS4Free forums, the OpenVPN forums, the FreeBSD forums, or right here in the comments of this post. Good luck!

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The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) Later

December 10th, 2012Top Story

The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) Later

By by David Veselka

The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) LaterLast year, Swedish-based developers Digital Illusions CE set out to launch not just a game, but an experience—an ever-changing and evolving experiment, if you will—which would serve as a platform from which future Battlefield titles would stem.

More than a year after the release, after more than a year of patches, updates, rule-changes and several massive expansions, how has Battlefield 3 held up?

Battlefield 3 was built to last. 14 months into it and only now are we seeing the emergence of Aftermath, Battlefield 3's fourth expansion pack, with a fifth still on the way in March. Bearing this in mind, it might still be too early to peek into the looking glass and speculate the future of the Battlefield franchise. But having passed the one-year mark, perhaps a bit of debriefing is in order. How has DICE's approach to this generation of AAA shooters fared so far? What has worked and what has not? How does their idea of post-launch support rate? Is their Premium service really all that "premium?"

It's tough for a first-person shooter to produce multiplayer expansions in the real sense of the word. Realistically, the only type of content that can be 'added,' in this case, is perhaps a set of new maps/locations, weapons or customization options. Compare this to single player-based DLC that can not only deliver all of the above, but also chapters of new story content, new characters, and/or new gameplay elements. I find that the Call of Duty series in particular struggles with this. Personally, I have a harder time coughing up dough for something like Modern Warfare 3's ELITE Premium subscription when all I'm really getting in return are new maps. Otherwise, it's the same experience over and over again.

That's why I know I will be throwing down cash upfront for Battlefield 4's Premium service without a second thought and why Call of Duty is going to have to step its game up in order to earn my investment.

DICE's approach to DLC , which has all been wrapped together in one neat package called Battlefield 3 Premium, differs in that each new piece of content has introduced the player to a new experience and has truly expanded the base product. Take, for example, the contrasting Close Quarters and Armored Kill themed expansion packs: One built on action-packed, fast-paced gameplay set in tight, claustrophobic environments versus the slower, more grandiose vehicle-based warfare taking place in wide-open and breathtaking landscapes. The former, released last June, certainly posed a risk for the team, as many considered its speedy, arcade-like nature untrue to the spirit of Battlefield. But the reason why it worked—and the reason why I believe it's worth the price—is that it was (and still is) an experience which cannot be found in the standard Battlefield 3 package. It plays different, it feels different, and it keeps things fresh.

Similarly, Armored Kill, released last September, gave "true" Battlefield fans what they always wanted: Insane, all-out vehicle warfare—something many felt was lacking in Battlefield 3 standard. While it didn't quite gel with the consoles' limited player count due to its large map sizes, PC players certainly felt right at home. With both Close Quarters and Armored Kill, I feel DICE struck a nice balance catering to both the dedicated, hardcore Battlefield audience and those just wanting to shoot people in the face.

The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) Later

The latest add-on, Aftermath, plays similar to the throwback expansion Back to Karkand, released back in December, 2011. It features similar urban war zones with a good mix of infantry and vehicle combat. But at the same time, it literally "shakes" things up with the concept of fighting and surviving in a post-earthquake environment. The new Crossbow (or XBow) for example, adds new gameplay elements while the deformed terrain creates a battlefield you might not be used to.

That's why I know I will be throwing down cash upfront for Battlefield 4's Premium service without a second thought and why Call of Duty is going to have to step its game up in order to earn my investment. DICE has shown that they're not here to cough up more of the same and call it DLC. With their own distinct theme and feel, all of Battlefield 3's current add-ons have literally expanded the experience with new ways to play. I expect nothing but the same for End Game.

The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) Later

Later in Battlefield 3's life cycle, DICE granted players on both the Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 the ability to rent and customize their very own servers—a first for a console FPS. Players then not only had the choice of entering standard DICE-run servers, but a wide range of player-run servers as well. As an unfortunate side-effect, this spread the butter too thin, so to speak, and led to under-populated servers while rendering the matchmaking experience much more complicated than it should have been. "Quick Match" would no longer always send you along your way to a server featuring a playlist of your chosen game mode. Feeling in the mood for some Conquest? Sure, "Quick Match" might stick you in a nice game of flag-capping goodness on a player-run server, let's say. What it doesn't know, however, is that the next map in the rotation is customized to run a game of Team Deathmatch. Probably not what you were looking for.

The problem is that a lot of newcomers don't even know what they are looking for. They just want to get in on the action in a predictable manner.

The problem is that a lot of newcomers don't even know what they are looking for. They just want to get in on the action in a predictable manner. I shouldn't have to explain how find a 'normal' playlist and avoid any wonky or bizarre game settings to a friend who has picked up Battlefield 3 some time after the introduction of rentable servers. Likewise, no newcomer should have to unknowingly fall victim to abusive administrators who create their own, sometimes-absurd rules. What irks me is that rules like "no shotguns," "no explosives," or "knives-only" are enforced by the server admin only, not by the built-in game settings, as there are no actual options to restrict weapons or equipment. Because many of these "special" servers are public, anyone could be thrown into one at any moment and not everyone who's paid $60 USD for a game appreciates being subjected to someone telling them that they can't even use half their arsenal. What's worse are admins who kick you for either "playing like a noob" or for simply being "too good."

While I would hope that this sort of feature would stick around for future Battlefield titles on consoles, I believe some fine-tuning is in order to streamline the process and keep the community playing together, rather than having everyone off doing their own thing. I also think abnormal server "rules" should be kept strictly private and not public. "Pistol-only" matches can indeed be fun, but not if you aren't looking for one. While this mostly only applies to the console audience, and perhaps the more casual audience, it is their larger audience in the end. That leaves something to be said for the PC side of life, where the Battlefield series found its original home.

If there is one thing DICE could have done to have kept Battlefield 3's life span healthy and constantly rejuvenated, it would have been to allow PC mod tools. Look at what happened to Bohemia Interactive's Arma 2. We got the Day Z zombie mod, soon to be its own standalone title. Bethesda's The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim has also been turning heads with its beautiful texture mods. It's not even a multiplayer game and yet there is a healthy community of modders constantly finding ways to make an already content-rich game even beefier. I think we could see some pretty amazing things coming from a community of dedicated Battlefield modders, should DICE be able to work past the technical issues and complexities of the Frostbite 2 engine in order to allow it.

The Good And Bad of Battlefield 3, One Year (Or So) Later

At the present moment, Battlefield 3 is a very different game than it was back in October of 2011. It raises the question, however, "was Battlefield 3 even finished when it shipped?" Being the first Battlefield title powered by the brand new Frostbite 2 engine, developers clearly had a hard time covering up the number of bugs that came along with it. Nevertheless, it is without question that DICE has done a commendable job at supporting their product post-launch. One could even argue that Battlefield 3 would never have reached the stature it has today without the feedback of the millions of gamers that have had a chance to sink some serious time into it after launch. While the patching process may have been slow and cumbersome, and some particularly game-breaking issues were dealt with rather last-minute, patches were almost little pieces of DLC in themselves. Again, though support in general was top notch, perhaps smaller, more frequent patches would yield a happier community.

Moving forward, into Battlefield 4, or whatever DICE may have in store for the future, I believe asking themselves the following questions would prove beneficial, if they haven't done so already:

  • In what ways could value be added to the next iteration of Battlefield's "Premium" service?
  • Would a more compact DLC schedule keep players' interest better?
  • How can the Server Browser be streamlined for clarity and ease-of-use while keeping the community playing together?
  • Would providing smaller, more frequent updates yield happier players?
  • Would the extra effort put into allowing mod-tools for PC players improve Battlefield's lifespan?

Considering the amount of experimentation that went on over the past 14 months—new DLC model, new engine, the Battlelog, bigger audience, etc.—it will be interesting to see how DICE acts upon their findings and where the battlefield takes them in the future.

Until then, you know how the saying goes: "See you on the battlefield."

David Veselka spends his time running and managing multiplayer-centric gaming website MP1st.com and loves him some online FPS action. You can say hi to him on Twitter by following @N7Veselka.

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Unemployment Stories, Vol. 19: 'This Shit Is Real and Humbling'

December 10th, 2012Top Story

Unemployment Stories, Vol. 19: 'This Shit Is Real and Humbling'

By Hamilton Nolan

Unemployment Stories, Vol. 19: 'This Shit Is Real and Humbling'The official unemployment rate fell to 7.7% last month. But that number is misleading. The percentage of workers who are actually considered to be "participating" in the labor force is now hovering around a three-decade low. Persistent, extended, unrelenting unemployment is now a fact of life for millions of Americans. Every week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, from the unemployed themselves. This is what's happening out there.

The dispatcher

Like many, I imagine, reading the unemployment stories on Gawker causes me to feel panicked and stressed. Those of us with a job right now feel like we made it onto one of the life boats from The Titanic but we are all just waiting for the next big wave to dump us back into the icy North Atlantic.

I am one of the lucky people who is employed right now, in fact I work 84 hours a week at two low level, unrewarding and at times completely demeaning and demoralizing jobs. I am exhausted, consistently in a bad mood and frequently sick, though I remember what it was like to be unemployed and it reignites my appreciation for having a job in these tough times. Things weren't always like this. In 1996, after an extensive back ground check, psychological test and multi-tiered interview process I was hired as a Public Safety Dispatcher. I was a 911 operator and police/fire and ambulance dispatcher. I loved my job. It was stressful and rewarding. Not only that but I was great at my job. I thrived in an environment where you can go from 0-60 in three seconds. One minute you are trying to keep busy organizing or doing paperwork then next you have a child on the phone calling because his father is holding a gun to his mother's head. Shootings, stabbings, robberies, fights, psychotic people seeing imaginary intruders, I answered all those calls. Not everyone has it in them to remain completely calm, professional and logical when chaos is happening on the other end of the radio or phone. I received awards, had newspaper articles written about me and received many thank you cards from people who only knew my voice. I won't lie and say you don't get invested in these peoples lives because you do. Some calls stay with you always. One of my 911 calls is actually still used as a training call at a 911 training academy.

In 2004 I was alerted that I was being investigated for having an inappropriate relationship with a coworkers husband... Long story short, I lost my job. I was told that even though the affair happened twelve years prior I was causing a hostile work environment. I was hurt, felt betrayed and was humiliated. Yes, I know, seeing a married man is bad, I never downplayed that. Some may think I deserved the punishment, some days I guess I agree. I not only lost my job but I lost all my friends that day too, you see, anyone who works in that environment, whether they are a dispatcher, police officer or fire fighter will tell you, once you are cast out that is it, no one wants to know you. I applied to other municipalities, with all my experience how could I not get hired? But I didn't. I came very close to getting hired by the State Police, I beat out 89 other candidates, I remember how great it felt walking out of the barracks knowing I was going to get that job, they had told me as much. Then, I got a call from the State Police saying they got a call from my old employer and that they were not going to hire me. I guess I should have felt grateful that they told me why but they wouldn't tell me who called them. It was at that moment that I realized I would not be a public safety dispatcher again. I sank into a very deep depression. I made several plans to kill myself, I bought the necessary instruments, planned exactly where I was going to do it, where to park, how long I would have alone and how long until someone found my body. Still to this day I don't know why I didn't do it.

I was unemployed for nine months. I finally found a job as a sales assistant at a high end home design company. A job I had no qualifications for. I am not a sales person, I was miserable. I did not fit in with the rest of the company and eleven months after being hired I was laid off. Unemployment this time was tougher, I had taken a huge pay cut and so my unemployment check was far below what could cover my expenses. After paying rent and car insurance I had $40 a week left. It was winter, I live in Massachusetts, I had my heat shut off, cancelled cable and had no health insurance. Naturally I slipped on the ice and broke my wrist and arm during this time, I had never broken a bone in my body my entire life prior to then. I skipped doctors appointments, refused follow up x-rays just to save money. I read everything I could and ended up having a friend cut my cast off me when I thought I had healed enough, needless to say there was no physical therapy. I fell behind on rent and received an eviction notice. My parents had both passed away, I had no one I could live with, I was seriously looking at living in my car with my dog and two cats.

I finally got hired part time for a transportation company. The person who worked third shift ended up getting robbed while he was working so he ended up quitting because he felt unsafe. I jumped at the chance for a full time job and here I sit six years later. Same position, same hours. I make less per hour now than I did in high school. I took a second job driving a taxi, most people I meet are nice, hard working people who have it a lot worse than me. Then there are the drunks, the druggies, the belligerent customers who feel they are better than a loser driving a taxi and tell you how much of a loser you in fact are. Most days it rolls right off me, other days I couldn't agree more with them. Being a lone female picking up total strangers, I carry pepper spray and a knife. Being the last female a drunk is going to see at the end of the night turns me bitter. One minute they are hitting on you, trying their best to get you in their house, worse they think I am so hard up for money they are almost insulted I won't give them a hand or blow job. Once they realize its not going to happen then the insults come out, I am called a fat ugly bitch who no one would ever want to fuck. Since its been four years since I have actually had sex, they aren't wrong. You have to watch yourself constantly, your employers, co workers and customers are always looking to rip you off. Yes I know we taxi drivers don't have a good reputation but there are some honest ones out there. I refuse tips from people who work minimum wage jobs, the elderly and many others. I give free rides to people, there are just some I can't bring myself to charge, I end up paying for their ride at the end of the night. The worst calls for me though are the ones when I have to go to the police department I used to work at and pick someone up. I see my old coworkers and they see me, we don't acknowledge each other, its too embarrassing. Worth note here, the girl who spread the gossip about my affair ended up having an affair with the chief of police, they are married now and two people couldn't deserve each other more.

I do all this because I never want to look at homelessness as a reality again. I am petrified of ever being unemployed and unable to be self reliant again. So, not your typical unemployment story that you have probably received. Like I said, I remind myself everyday that I am lucky to have two jobs when a lot of people don't have one, some days that is all that gets me out of the house. So, for the great majority, hopefully for everyone, there will be jobs ahead. For some sooner rather than later but eventually you will find a job. It may not be that dream job you always thought you would land, it may not be in your field but you will have a job. What we all need to walk away with is compassion and empathy for those struggling now. Before, I would have been one of those people who thought you just need to look harder, try harder and stop sleeping until noon, there are plenty of jobs out there. Now I know better.

Circling the drain

I'm working now, but I went through 19 months of steady unemployment and about a year circling the drain before that. It was hands down the worst experience of my life and that includes the seven soul-numbing years I took care of my mom, who suffered from Alzheimer's.

I am (was?) an editor, which is already very similar to being unemployed. After my mom passed, I made the ill-timed decision to quit my steady, well-paying job at a high profile magazine, use all my savings on an extended holiday and then go freelance. That happened about a month before the economy collapsed. Freelance work lasted about a year after that. At first it wasn't so bad. Assuming I'd have no problem getting work, I embraced the down-time. I became a very good baker and cookie eater. I rarely put on outside pants more than once a week.

I relied on my savings, which went faster than anticipated. Financial security is the thing you lose right before you lose everything else. When half a tooth fell out, I learned to chew on the other side. Social life? Sure, if you don't mind meeting me on a park bench and drinking tap water I brought from home. I did everything I was supposed to do as an unemployed person. I said good-bye to cable, store-bought lattes, shoe shopping, movies, manicures, hair cuts, dry-cleaning, gym membership, travel, concerts, healthcare of any kind — basically anything that wasn't food for me or my cat was eliminated.

But the material losses weren't the hardest. In less than ten months I experienced the complete eradication of everything I'd worked for in my career, along with my confidence, my dignity, my identity, my optimism, and any hope I had for the future. I started tanking my (elusive) job interviews. The pressure of knowing the opinion of a perfect stranger was the deciding factor in whether or not my life improves dramatically or just keeps careening off the rails began to manifest as overly self-deprecating humor and compulsive joke telling. I used to be great at interviews, confident and easygoing, suddenly I'm Rodney Dangerfield. Except I wasn't funny. I was raw and desperate and completely gutted, and now I can add makes other people feel uncomfortable to a growing list of unemployment side-effects.

My friends were great. I'm single and I don't have any family, so I'm lucky I had such a supportive group during that time. But even the most generous people have a tough time hanging with you when you're chronically depressed and can't afford a cup of coffee. Friends tried, they really did, but other than a job, there's nothing that can make an unemployed person happy. I didn't want to talk about my problems because I couldn't bear hearing myself saying the same things over and over. I didn't want to listen to my friend's problems, because inevitably I found myself thinking, are you kidding me? THAT'S a problem? Today I paid my phone bill with a sock full of nickels. I became socially awkward at an exponential rate.

After almost two years of total misery, I got a job through a friend and I'm eternally grateful. I make almost half of what I used to earn and I don't particularly connect to the work, but it's been a soft place to land. I have heath insurance and friends, I'm out of the house and using my brain and just the other day I went to a party – by myself!

I still feel shitty about my life and scared about the future. I still mourn the loss of my career, something that I valued and felt defined me. I still take anti-depressants and have to be aggressively cajoled to come out for a drink. I still have a massive amount of credit card debt and I'm broke as shit, but things are getting better. My self-esteem was ground into such a fine powder, I thought I'd never recover, but lately I've felt tiny signs of life fluttering inside my ego. I've learned a lot from this experience — nothing pulls back the veil like long-term unemployment. This shit is real and humbling and I can honestly say I'm a better person having had this experience. That being said, if given a choice, I'd take unevolved and employed over wisdom and insight any day of the week.

Powerless

I graduated college in 2008 from a state university with an English degree (yeah, I know, I know...) and a concentration in Technical writing. I landed a job working for a staffing company that I started in June 2008 with an okay salary plus bonus. I was doing well and making decent money. Then the market crashed and people were afraid to spend money, companies were laying off, which clearly meant that our services were no longer in demand. I was the last one in, so I was also the first one out. At first, I thought, no biggie! Something will come up! Thankfully, I had worked at the staffing firm for about 2 1/2 before I was given my pink slip.

I had come to rely on my bonus money every month because I worked hard and always made my goals. My first unemployment check was the scariest number I had ever seen. They didn't use my bonus number to calculate what I was to receive. Okay, I thought, I can still work with this!!! I made my full time job be looking for work. I learned how to stretch grocery money. I continued to pay the majority of my bills. My student loans refused to work with me. They would not lower my payment. I paid them what I could. I left myself 30 dollars per week for groceries.

Winter came. Winter was bad. I was able to cut my electricity bill drastically, but heat? I had to at least keep my apartment warm enough that the pipes wouldn't freeze. I paid what I could, but it was never all of what they asked for. I called in and asked to go on the budget plan and they agreed. I sighed with relief.

About 6 months later one of life's little emergencies happened. I had to pay to have my car repaired, which cost me over 700 dollars. I was late on my electricity bill and unable to send them the full amount I should have paid for the budget plan. I had no grocery money and was relying on friends to feed me. I have no family. About a week later, I came home from looking up jobs at the library to a utility shut off notice on my door. I was being asked to pay the full amount or be shut off in 72 hours. Their customer service rep told me that a partial payment would not spare me. I had already borrowed to pay my student loans. I was already in debt with everyone. I had no where to turn to for help. I let it come. I was home when my power was shut off. The hum of the refrigerator silenced and I sat on my couch and cried.

I had nothing to sell (thanks childhood poverty!), no money and no power (both literally and figuratively). Oh, and my car broke down again.

The funny thing about not having electricity is how quickly you can adapt to it. I cut into my weekly food budget for candles. I showered at the community rec center M-Saturday. I would bring a tote bag with me and bring back 2 gallons of warm water that I used to wash dishes from last nights dinner. Dinner was now a can of soup that was heated in the basement of my apartment building by sneaking downstairs and using an outlet I found. At first, it really wasn't so bad...but we had been lucky and it was a summer that didn't want to give way to fall even though it was October. I kept telling myself that I just had to make it to November because LIHEAP (Low Income Heating Assistance Program) started then and they would have to help me, right? Wrong. I made $300 more for the year than the maximum of $16,335. I was turned away in 35 degree cold over $300. I asked where else I could get help. They told me to call my power company and see if they would work with me. They wouldn't. I could see my breath in my apartment. I put those hand warmers in my bed. I lived at the library and the rec center; anywhere free with heat.

The real catch 22 was this...If I don't have a job, I cannot afford to pay this bill. If I don't have power, how am I supposed to go to work and look presentable? Not that I was getting called for anything, anyway.

I made those payments as I could, but it took me all winter. I have a job now, but am still trying to claw my way above water. I'm more thankful now; more aware of what acute poverty looks and feels like. My friends never found out about my electricity. That was a shame I sometimes can still not believe I lived through.

Lowered standards

It's been four weeks.

I was fired from my job because the "news" (oh, how I use that term loosely) company that employed me threw me under the bus when management made a poor story decision that ended up on the pages of Gawker, Mail Online, reddit, fark and the ilk. The story led to a lawsuit and the lawsuit led to my job because I was the scapegoat. So now I'm jobless, applying with reckless abandon to everything I see.

I started looking and applying locally that first week. By the second week, I had added every city east of the Mississippi I felt like I could live and enjoy my life. The third week saw a westward expansion. The fourth week has been marked by places I don't want to live. I guess the fifth week will include places no one wants to live. I have yet to get an unemployment check. "Pending an eligibility review" is all the website says when I file for my weekly allowance. Will that money come through in time for me to pay next month's rent? Tune in next week to find out!

And I'm a journalist. I'm a researcher. I'm a damn good researcher, too. I have these cities' most recent employment data. I see their median incomes. I creep on their housing costs. I know exactly what I'm signing up for when I send those resumes. I know exactly how much money I need to keep a roof over my head and food in my dog's bowl. I feel worst for him. He didn't sign up for a life where his owner is a nervous wreck, wondering if the unemployment checks will come in or if they'll be moving out of their home to who knows where.

I think what pissed me off is how much this is my fault and how much I hate the news industry as a result. I believed in news. I didn't care about the money. I looked past the layoffs that happened my second day of employment. I sucked it up when I was told raises were not in the budget and 401k matching was suspended. I was just happy to be a part of something that I thought genuinely mattered and made a difference in people's lives. I ruined relationships on election nights. I missed birthdays for breaking news. I used three vacation days and one sick day in three and a half years.

I was a fucking idiot. I should have seen the writing on the wall and walked out of there before they could do any real lasting damage to my psyche and my employability.

Now, I have no savings, a bank account that is overdrawn and a folder on my desktop with 100 — yes, one. hundred. — cover letters to places all over the country. Hell, there's even a letter to Doha in there. I've been fortunate enough to get a few rejections, at least enough to let me know they aren't just going straight into everyone's spam folder. I've had a few phone calls from other cities, many simply checking to see if I realized I had applied to places well outside commuting distance from my current home.

I'm less than 12 hours away from a job interview for a job I don't really want in a field I don't really enjoy. I don't have a lot of hope I will get it because my resume is pretty clear — I don't have the background they are looking for. I'm a content guy, not a web developer. I'm also in the process of talking to a major publication, but after explaining why I left my previous employer I doubt I'll hear back. I'm 11 days from losing my apartment. I'm probably 7 days away from losing my mind when my unemployment still isn't resolved. I don't know what else to do.

Sorry dog, I'm not such a great master after all.

All my fault

I'm 31 years old and I'm unemployed. I have a BA, an MA, and an Occupational Certificate. I have $300 in the bank and had to move back in with my parents. And this is all my fault.

I grew up thinking I could be anything I wanted to be. I went to college on a scholarship. I got a BA in Philosophy because I enjoyed it. I studied abroad. I went to grad school in England. I got an MA in Political and Social Thought. I didn't get my PhD because the funding wasn't there. I thought it was just another rat race anyway. I got a job at a newspaper that I loved. I got laid off a year later. I started freelance writing and editing. The pittance that brought in got supplemented by a job I took doing fire and water damage restoration and demolition. I pulled up carpet and wood floors dripping with water from bursts pipes and teaming with mold from sitting there until the insurance company could evaluate how much of the cost they could avoid paying to the home owner. Occasionally the pipe that burst would be a sewage pipe. In that case, I'd don a white tie-vac suit with rubber gloves and rubber boots and shovel shit that had been stewing under the Southern sun into a trash bag.

Ankle deep in feces I'd remember that I could've joined the army like my dad. I could've been a teacher like him and my mom. My sister went into teaching, another is a nurse and the other is a marine biologist. But I didn't join the army. I didn't go to college to study for a career. I wanted to be something bigger. I wanted to work in politics. I wanted to be a professor. I wanted to be a writer.

When my girlfriend got funding to do her PhD I wasn't at all jealous. By then I knew that I'd fucked up. I left my hometown and we moved to her school. I got a retail job selling shoes and took the infrequent opportunities to freelance write or edit. I knew I had to retrain. I went to night school. I got an Occupational Certificate to be a firefighter. I got certified by state and national agencies. I applied to firefighter jobs all over the country. I did physical tests, written tests, and interviews. I was one of hundreds, sometimes thousands to apply. But cities were just as broke as newspapers. There were hiring freezes. The ones that were hiring couldn't afford hire more than only a handful of people. Even with the degrees and certifications I was never one of the top 6 out of 600. I was never anything particularly special.

When my girlfriend finished her coursework she was set to go do her research in South Africa. I applied for a life partner visa with a work permit. The only snag was you had to have a job offer to get a work permit. So after months of trying in vain to apply for jobs in her home country I found the same results as I'd found in my own. I was useless. Now she's gone. Unable to pay the rent on my own I had to move back to my hometown to live with my parents.

I qualify for EBT. I qualify for unemployment. But I don't dare sign up for those. I don't deserve it. I had every advantage. I had every chance. And I blew it, fair and square. Now it's back to the grind. Now I apply to job after job online. Firefighter jobs, writing jobs, retail, dishwasher, third shift factory floor, they're all the same. It's a deluge of digital failure. It's not much better in the mornings when I make the rounds to the employment agencies. They want to know why I'm in their office with all my education on my knees begging to shovel shit again. Even when something comes along it's only a temporary hire. An extra back to break for big job then a handshake with a 'best of luck' and its back to the employment office. There's no real success, only stays of execution.

In the monotony of online applications, of folding chairs in employment offices, of 'job seekers create an account and sign in', of pee in this cup so we know you're not on drugs, I'm always balancing a mental equation. When would the pain and suffering and sense of failure felt by my parents if their only son and oldest child off-ed himself outweigh the pain and suffering and sense of failure they feel watching him flail around like a fish on a dock?

Like I said, this is all my fault. It was my ego at work. It was my impossible dream. It was my overplayed hand. I took the bait. I got reeled in. And so I wait with bated breath for the moment when the equation finally tips to the other side so I can get off the hook.

Previously
The full archive of our "Unemployment Stories" series can be found here.

[Thanks to everyone who wrote in. You can send your own unemployment story here.]

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