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Monday, April 23, 2012
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The Stupid Things You Do in the Kitchen (and How to Fix Them)
April 23rd, 2012Top StoryThe Stupid Things You Do in the Kitchen (and How to Fix Them)Love cooking or hate it, much of your time in the kitchen is likely wasted by easily correctable mistakes you probably don't even know you're making. You waste time prepping ingredients, use your knives incorrectly, mix and match the wrong utensils, and throw out food that's still good—and those are just a few of the stupid things you do in the kitchen. Here's how to fix them. Stupid Thing #1: You Spend Too Much Time Prepping IngredientsFew people enjoy the tedium of prepping ingredients. Sometimes it's a process that can take time, but there are generally simple techniques that eliminate one of the most time-consuming kitchen tasks. Many of these methods are specific to the ingredients themselves, but an organized approach can make a difference across the board. As Bon Appetit magazine suggests, working assembly line style can help you accomplish your prep faster by pairing similar tasks together:
It also helps to use two bowls—one for scraps and one for cleaning—so you don't make a mess during the preparation process. If you're handling many ingredients, you can keep them nicely separated with a muffin tin. These are all great ways to save you time and keep you organized, but a few common ingredients have tricks all their own. A head of garlic can be peeled in 10 seconds by shaking it up in two bowls. To avoid the mess (and most of the tears), there is a specific method for dicing onions. You cut them in half, lay the halves flat, make horizontal cuts nearly the entire way through, and then dice the onion slices in place. (Video demonstration here.) Chopping most other vegetables has a bit more to do with proper knife technique, but we'll be getting to that very shortly. For a few more speedy kitchen tricks, check out our top 10 on the subject. Stupid Thing #2: You Use Your Knives WrongHolding a knife properly, using it effectively, and keeping it sharp are three things that are often ignored and yet very simple to learn. You're not going to master technique in a matter of minutes, but that's enough time to correct a few common mistakes. The easiest issue to correct is a dull blade, and it's one of the most important. Dulls knives result in the majority of kitchen injuries and for no good reason. There are many ways to sharpen a knife, but one of the best is a sharpening steel. If you're not familiar, a sharpening steel is essential a steel rod with ridges. You run a knife's blade across it in a perpendicular alignment with a slight angle and that results in a sharper edge. (Video demonstration here.) Some chefs, however, believe that pushing the blade against the steel slowly causes damage. Instead, pulling the blade away from the steel creates less friction and resistance but still sharpens the knife and straightens the blade. (Video demonstration here.) Either way, you'll have a more effective (and safer) cooking utensil when all is said and done. Steels aren't your only option. You have many, ranging from a stone to the bottom of a cup. No matter what you use, you're going to need to know when the knife is actual sharp. StackExchange user Adam Jaskiewicz found that using a Sharpie (or other permanent marker with a less-appropriate name) can help you out:
Knowing all of that, you should have no issue keeping your knives sharp. Next, you want to make sure you're holding your knives correctly. There isn't one single hand position for every way you'll use them, but in general you want a grip that won't limit your range of motion. The best way to achieve this is by gripping the handle with your three back fingers and pinching the neck of the knife—where the blade meets the handle—with your pointer finger and your thumb. (Video demonstration here.) This will allow for good speed and precision. Finally, learning a few techniques can make a big difference when employing your knives in the kitchen. How to move a knife is something that doesn't translate too well to text and is more suited for video, so watch this one to pick up the basics. It'll teach you a proper forward slice, back slice, and tip-down rocking and chopping techniques as well as a few safety pointers. Stupid Thing #3: You Throw Out Food Long Before Its Time Has ComeWe live in an age of paranoia where many of us believe that foods go bad long before their time is up. We confuse sell-by and best-by dates with expiration, and doing so involves tossing out an item when it's still entirely edible. We often refrigerate foods that don't require refrigeration. When a food looks and smells fine, chances are it is but I found that many people don't think that's true. I left out cooked green beans overnight and asked people on Twitter and Facebook to take bets if I would get sick. While many people assumed I'd be fine, about as many figured I was headed for disaster. If you believe leaving a vegetable out on the counter for about a day is going to result in it going bad, you're wrong. I was fine, even though it is recommended to refrigerate after just two hours. Sites like Still Tasty seeks to provide recommendations for how long food can survive under various conditions, but in my tests I found these estimates to be overly cautious. It's probably in Still Tasty's best interest to err on the side of safety, but generally you're a pretty good judge of what's good and what isn't. If it's not growing mold, it smells fine, and a taste test reveals nothing out of the ordinary, chances are you're good to go. In the end, safety is the most important thing but don't go throwing out perfectly good food out of paranoia. Check if it's still good first. Stupid Thing #4: You Don't Use Heat EffectivelyHeat is a tricky thing and it's easy to misuse, but it's just as easy to do it right. The trick? Don't rush. If you compare the results you get in a microwave to an standard oven, you know that the resulting quality of the product from the oven is significantly better. Although the technologies at play are quite a bit different, it's still another of how when you rush something the results tend to be subpar. Food magazine Cooking Light notes that cooking meat in water too quickly actually results in a dryer texture. In this case, it's better to simmer for longer than boil in a hurry. Melting chocolate also requires patience and frequent stirring as it can easily burn as it gains a liquid form. When it comes to butter, it's best to let it sit out and soften naturally over time than rush it into a semi-liquid in the microwave. When over-softened butter is used in baking thicker items like cookies, butter needs to be thicker to help the cookie keep its form and spread evenly in the oven. Although you can boil cream, low-fat milk products will curdle if heated too quickly. One of the most common mistakes is heating oil until it smokes. As The Huffington Post points out, this can really ruin the flavor:
Everything you heat in the kitchen is going to react a little bit differently, so while patience is generally a safer bet you should find out how your ingredients handle heat. You may find that you can get significantly better results by simply adjusting temperature and time, making your food a lot better with very little effort at all. Stupid Thing #5: You Misuse and Mistreat Your Pots and PansYour pots and pans take a lot of damage in their lifetimes, so you don't want to make it worse. It's important to know the differences, advantages, and disadvantages of cookware surfaces so you can avoid mistreating them and actually use them effectively. Because of the popularity and convenience of non-stick surfaces, they're most often prone to misuse. The Huffington Posts notes that you want to avoid using using non-stick surfaces with metal utensils (as it can scratch the coating) and in high heat:
In the case of calphalon surfaces, it is recommended you keep your non-stick pans out of the dishwasher as well because the harsh environment can slowly strip the coating. Teflon, however, should be just fine. As suggested, you'll want to consult with your cookware's manufacturer to find out what is, indeed, safe, but keeping the heat medium-to-low and washing by hand will minimize your risk. Treating pots and pans poorly isn't the only type of mistake you can make. Many of us have a tendency to crowd the pan, and as Cooking Light points out, that can affect the quality of your resulting meal:
It's also recommended that you don't stir too often unless your recipe requires it. Flipping meat frequently can also be problematic, as this will cause you to miss out on a nice crust. It's easy to get paranoid because you don't want to end up with burnt food, but after a little practice you'll start to get the hang of how often to flip or stir your food. Stupid Thing #6: You Make Cleanup Harder Than NecessaryPerhaps the biggest downside to cooking is the cleanup, but it actually doesn't have to be that difficult if you plan in advance. As mentioned earlier, a two-bowl method makes it a lot easier to manage waste as you cook and avoid sweeping up bits of food scattered around the kitchen. This, and any other method of cleaning as you go, can save you a lot of time later on and make cleanup feel like a much more manageable chore. Even the best preparation can leave you with a difficult task now and again, especially when you end up with food stuck on a dish that just refuses to come off. Fortunately, there are several tricks you can employ. Drier sheets, dishwasher detergent, and salt scrub are all capable of lifting stubborn food from your dishes when combined with lukewarm water and left alone for a few hours. When stains are a problem, Bar Keepers Friend and apple peels can help get them out. If your oven is messy, cooking a pan filled with ammonia can help lift the grease. White vinegar is almost always useful in many situations, from cleaning cloudy glassware to steam-cleaning the microwave. Even if you're not particularly fond of consuming the stuff, it can be useful to keep around the house for eliminating the mess from your other food. Know of any other common mistakes in the kitchen and how to fix them? Share yours in the comments. Photo by Leremy (Shutterstock). |
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Fake Gamers of the Week: A Couple Too Beautiful For This World
April 23rd, 2012Top StoryFake Gamers of the Week: A Couple Too Beautiful For This World Joy. Bliss. Serenity.
But the truth, dear readers, the truth is that this couple—this beautiful, radiant couple—is no couple at all. These two ecstatic video gamers died a long time ago. And now they're in a place that we dare not dream about. Now they're in hell. Your first clue? The background. Black. Pure, unadulturated black, only penetrated by the blue outlines of the boy and girl in front of it. You know what else is black? Hell. You know who else is blue? Ghosts. This is no fun-loving couple. This is a horrible glimpse at the devastating fate of two tormented souls, forced to spend the rest of eternity battling one another on the virtual battlegrounds of Ridge Racer and Twisted Metal. "But this couple looks like they're having so much fun," you might say, your hands quivering in desperation as you pray, wish, hope with all your strength that these two lovely people are as lovely as they seem. "They're not in hell! They can't be!" Oh, how wrong you are. See those looks of horror? Those stunned visages, pummeled with the realization that they'll never escape this eternal prison in which they're sequestered? Those short shorts? "What... what is that?" the man asks, stifling a scream. Nothing is recognizable in this place. Nothing is human. "No," the woman says, her voice shaky. "Don't look. Please. Please just don't look." "This... this is true suffering." (Photo: Arema Foto / Stockfresh) |
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'I Don't Want a Baby That Looks Like That': A Girls Recap
April 23rd, 2012Top Story'I Don't Want a Baby That Looks Like That': A Girls RecapThe appropriate response to Girls, a television program about pretty young White Nationalists seeking abortions and love in the Big City, is silence. But we are in the noise business, and today is the 21st anniversary of the death of Johnny Thunders, so here is a recap. N.B.: For the purposes of this recap, I shall employ the name of a prominent segregationist politician and/or signer of the Southern Manifesto to stand in for the names of the four main characters. A key follows:
The only opinion of episode two of Girls that matters is that of Johnny Rotten, who sang of it 1977:
We open with the woodworking actor who hates his parents fucking Sen. Strom Thurmond. The actor treats Sen. Strom Thurmond in a moderately abusive manner, telling her that she is an 11-year-old junkie with a Cabbage Patch lunchbox and the she is "a dirty little whore, and I am going to send you home to your parents covered in cum." The actor pulls out and masturbates onto Sen. Strom Thurmond's body, explaining that he is going to "make the fucking continent of Africa on your arm." Gov. George Wallace is also getting fucked, but limply, by her boring effeminate boyfriend who has a vagina. Later they fight about how he respects her too much: "You should be able to just go about your business, piss me off, and not give a fuck," Gov. George Wallace tells her boyfriend. "It's what men do." "It's like I don't even know how to make love to you anymore," he replies. "Make love to me? You mean fuck me?" Gov. George Wallace says. WHEN WILL A REAL MAN COME ALONG TO FUCK GOV. GEORGE WALLACE IN A MANLY FASHION? (Next episode.) Gov. Orval Faubus is smoking pot in Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch's room. Gov. Orval Faubus, who is pregnant with the baby of some surfer dude she met during her global travels, offers some to Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch. "No thanks," Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch says. "I'm hyper enough already." A veiled Superchunk reference? A muffled cry for help? "Totes" is uttered. Later, someone will say "Obvi" instead of "obviously." Everyone is excited about Gov. Orval Faubus' impending abortion. "What was she gonna do," asks Sen. Strom Thurmond. "Like, have a baby and take it to her babysitting job? It's not realistic." Sen. Strom Thurmond is concerned that she has contracted a venereal disease from the actor who hates his parents. She Googles "diseases that come from no condom for one second." If you Google that phrase, you will get a page of stories about Girls. THE GIRLS GET TOGETHER FOR SOME TASTI D-LITE ON A PARK BENCH IN NYC. They talk about a book called Listen Ladies: A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love: "Sex from behind is degrading, point blank. You deserve someone who wants to look in your face, ladies." Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch loves this book. Sen. Strom Thurmond "hate read it." But Gov. Orval Faubus is outraged. "I don't like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it. Every time I have sex it's my choice." Wait a minute is this about the book or about THE ABORTION SHE'S ABOUT TO HAVE? "You know I want to have children?" Gov. Orval Faubus tells Sen. Strom Thurmond. "I really want to have children. I'm going to be amazing at it. I'm going to be really good. And I want to have children with many different men of different races." This conversation takes place in a playground. Chills. Also, the non-white man you imagined when Gov. Orval Faubus said she intended to copulate with men of many different races is the only non-white man who appeared in this episode. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Sen. Strom Thurmond has a job interview at a trade journal. The guy she is interviewing with is older and lives in Cobble Hill—"grownup Brooklyn." They flirt. She asks him if he goes to a fancy bar in his neighborhood called Weather Up. He does not. (Weather Up is not actually in Cobble Hill). She asks him if he goes to a dive bar in his neighborhood called Washington Commons. He does! (Washington Commons is not actually in Cobble Hill.) Sen. Strom Thurmond takes the flirtatious joking too far, facetiously accusing the guy she is interviewing with for a job of being a date rapist. "Jokes about rape, or race, or incest, or any of that stuff," he tells her, "It's not office-OK." No job for her. ABORTION TIME! The rest of the episode is the Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld but set in an abortion clinic. Gov. Orval Faubus is late to her own abortion. Sen. Strom Thurmond, Gov. George Wallace, and Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch are all waiting for her, supportively. Gov. George Wallace is so uptight that she is menstrually uptight, can you believe how uptight this lady is, metaphorically? "Like I get my period at the same time on the same day every monthly cycle my entire life," Gov. George Wallace says. "Like it's never strayed from that. Seriously, I need to become a mom, Hanna. I was put on this planet to become a mother." Oh just wait until you get fucked in a manly fashion by a manly man in the forthcoming episodes, Gov. George Wallace! He will rock your menstrual cycle. Where is Gov. Orval Faubus? She is at Tom & Jerry's, a blogger bar, drinking a White Russian. She apparently doesn't want an abortion? She meets a man at the bar. They start kissing. She tells him: "Put your hands down my pants." He does. His fingers come back bloody. Deus ex miscarriage! Abortion solved. In the waiting room, Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch lets loose that she is a virgin. Gov. George Wallace is surprised. Don't these ladies know each other and eat Tasti-D on NYC park benches together? Sen. Strom Thurmond gets a pelvic exam while at the abortion clinic because she is convinced she is going to get HIV, which she speculates might not be such a bad thing because then she'd have an excuse for everything. Her OB-GYN hates her. Wouldn't you? Skrillex. Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls. Last week's Girls recap: 'Small Girl Big Mouth' | From Our SponsorTop Stories
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