The Onion Weekly Dispatch - February 15, 2012

Wed Feb 15, 2012 www.theonion.com

Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' 02.15.12 RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," with most saying they simply don't have it in them t... New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct News in Brief » Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday GOP Voters: 'Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?' Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet American Voices » Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint "What was Justice Alito doing in the Caribbean with a machete?" Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad video » Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S. opinion » So, How Was Afghanistan? by Debbie Creffler Welcome back! Wow, I almost didn't recognize you. How long has it been? It seems like forever since you left for Afghanistan. Radio News » Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars. Most Popular » New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' Charlize Theron Hired To Ride Struggling Cleveland Light Rail System Monday Through Friday Man Remembers Awfulness Of Life Right In Middle Of Movie 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint

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