The Onion Weekly Dispatch - February 15, 2012

Wed Feb 15, 2012 www.theonion.com

Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' 02.15.12 RAFFERTYVILLE, FL—According to reports coming in from around the country this morning, people are steadfastly refusing to read a news headline past the words "4-Year-Old Girl Forced To," with most saying they simply don't have it in them t... New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct News in Brief » GOP Voters: 'Can We See What It Looks Like With Huntsman And Perry Again?' Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' American Voices » Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad "C’mon, dude. Everybody knows that if you're going to insult Muhammad on Twitter, you do it right and create a fake Salman Rushdie account." 'House' To End video » Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of U.S. opinion » So, How Was Afghanistan? by Debbie Creffler Welcome back! Wow, I almost didn't recognize you. How long has it been? It seems like forever since you left for Afghanistan. Radio News » Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars. Most Popular » Nation Refuses To Read Headline Beyond Words '4-Year-Old Girl Forced To' New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker So, How Was Afghanistan?

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