17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11 - May 08, 2013

Wed May 08, 2013 www.theonion.com

Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future 05.07.13 MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. Nation's Amateur Skateboarders Haven't Landed Trick In 12 Years News in Brief » 17-Year Cicadas Horrified To Learn About 9/11 Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone American Voices » Man Creates Functional Gun On 3D Printer “That’s what the government gets for making regular guns so difficult to acquire.” PETA Attacks Chris Christie For Killing Spider video » Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole. opinion » We Were Going To Take Over The ‘Onion’ Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads by The Syrian Electronic Army By The Syrian Electronic Army Radio News » National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

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