The Onion Weekly Dispatch - December 12, 2012

Wed Dec 12, 2012 www.theonion.com

Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility 12.11.12 WASHINGTON—High-ranking members of the toddler community made an impassioned appeal Tuesday for greater duck visibility, calling for more unobstructed views of the beloved waterfowl.  The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis News in Brief » Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park Slovenian 8th-Graders Surprised Even They Outperformed U.S. Students In Science Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis American Voices » Union Supporters Throng Michigan Capitol “Why don’t these people quit their whining and get back to work looking for a job?” Iran Debuts State-Run YouTube Substitute video » NASA: Water On Mercury Proves Planet Could Support Intergalactic Space Prison Scientists believe that water underneath Mercury's surface means the planet could be turned into a cool space jail where prisoners are held in place with lasers. opinion » I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry by Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court By Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Radio News » Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard. Most Popular » Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park

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