The Onion Daily Dispatch - December 12, 2012

Wed Dec 12, 2012 www.theonion.com

Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy 12.11.12 NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the... News in Brief » Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park American Voices » Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama “To think it was only a couple months ago that we were all wondering, ‘Who will win this election so that we can finally name that lizard?’” opinion » I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry by Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court By Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court Radio News » Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you’ve ever heard. Most Popular » Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis

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