The Onion Weekly Dispatch - November 14, 2012

Wed Nov 14, 2012 www.theonion.com

Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn 11.14.12 SEATTLE—After repeatedly gorging itself on marine sea life for more than seven years, a severely obese chinook salmon told reporters Wednesday he had grown too overweight to swim upstream and reproduce. Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years News in Brief » Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year American Voices » Government Internet Surveillance Rising “If the U.S. government wants to see how much I Google ‘America U.S.A. Excellent,’ then that’s fine by me.” Pepsi Introduces High-Fiber, 'Fat-Blocking' Soda video » John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession Financial markets were thrown into chaos and consumer confidence plunged to its lowest level in decades Tuesday following the commercial release of This Christmas, a new holiday album by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John that economists confi... opinion » Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once by A Raccoon By A Raccoon Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life. Most Popular » Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years Government Internet Surveillance Rising Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

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