The Onion Weekly Dispatch - August 01, 2012

Wed Aug 01, 2012 www.theonion.com

Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle 07.30.12 THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part of some transcendent cosmic circle of life, but rather as if he’s slowly and painfully bleeding to d... Nation's Moms On Olympic Opening Ceremony: 'Buckle The Fuck Up, It's Going To Be A Wild-Ass Ride' News in Brief » 300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules' American Voices » Democrats To Call For Same-Sex Marriage “This is really going to hurt their standing with people who would never vote for a Democrat.” Seal Flu Could Infect Humans video » First U.S. Census Reveals Native American Population Highest It Will Ever Be The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa's stellar penal system, and the day construction workers realized they built the Erie Canal in the wro... opinion » I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran by Michael Cowie By Michael Cowie Radio News » New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS. Most Popular » I'm Truly Sorry For This, But You're About To Hear All About The Last Marathon I Ran 300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid World Leader Wondering Why He Just Met With The Former Governor Of Massachusetts NBC On Olympics Coverage: 'Sorry We Didn't Alter The Laws Of Space And Time To Accommodate People's Schedules' Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too

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