The Onion Daily Dispatch - August 16, 2012

Thu Aug 16, 2012 www.theonion.com

Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates 08.16.12 SEATTLE—In what the scientific community has hailed as a breakthrough achievement, zoologists have succeeded for the first time ever in training a chimpanzee to carry out a rigorous three-year study of primate behavior. Researchers at the University... News in Brief » Area Woman's Hair Always Wet American Voices » Lost Pyramids Found On Google Earth? “I think her work demands further investigation with Street View.” opinion » It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself by U.S. Army Pfc. Edwin Quinones By U.S. Army Pfc. Edwin Quinones Radio News » U.S. Department Of Corruption Denies Right-Doing

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion In the future, could you keep those of us who are trying to piece together ransom notes in mind and print a few more Q, W, and Y words? — John Norton, Houston, TX Most Popular » It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don't I? Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates Ryan Begins Attacking Romney's Record As Massachusetts Governor Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

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