The Onion Weekly Dispatch - April 04, 2012

Wed Apr 04, 2012 www.theonion.com

Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices 03.29.12 WASHINGTON—Associate Justice Antonin Scalia struggled to recall the names of all nine active Supreme Court justices while playing a trivia game Thursday, sources confirmed. Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research News in Brief » Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That American Voices » Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading "But insiders have the best information." Republicans Lose Ground With Women video » Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights. opinion » I'd Be Happy To Help With Any Herding… by A Border Collie By A Border Collie Radio News » New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Most Popular » Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn Republicans Lose Ground With Women Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That

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