The Onion Weekly Dispatch - March 28, 2012

Wed Mar 28, 2012 www.theonion.com

U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park 03.28.12 ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out ... Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out News in Brief » 'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets American Voices » Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand "It's not going to be easy to raise college graduation rates, but I know our nation has what it takes to systematically and drastically lower academic standards to achieve this goal." Gingrich Photo Op: $50 video » Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras. opinion » Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair by Marcus Russo , President and CEO, Pantene By Marcus Russo, President and CEO, Pantene Radio News » 'Phantom Of The Opera' Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Most Popular » U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause Gingrich Photo Op: $50

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