The Onion Weekly Dispatch - February 29, 2012

Wed Feb 29, 2012 www.theonion.com

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Arrive On Oscar Red Carpet 12 Hours Early 02.26.12 LOS ANGELES—Stepping out of a chauffeured limousine just as dawn broke above Hollywood's Kodak Theatre Sunday morning, Brad Pitt and longtime partner Angelina Jolie arrived at the 84th Annual Academy Awards, taking their place on the red carpet a fu... Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other News in Brief » GLAAD To Honor Any Mainstream Film That Gets One Thing Right About Being Gay Microbrewer Trying To Work Dog Into Name Of New Seasonal Beer Exhausted Sweatshop Worker Just Has To Laugh After Sewing Fingers Together American Voices » iPad 3 May Cost 15% More "Ha-ha! Apple has a leak." FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs video » Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours. opinion » I’m Getting Bitten By The Oscar Bug…AGAIN! by Jackie Harvey For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me! Radio News » American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot American Robot's Job Outsourced To Overseas Robot

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Please remove the stars covering the nipples of the models on the last few pages. — Kurt Blankenship, Flint, MI Most Popular » Romney Thanks State He Was Born And Raised In For Just Barely Giving Him Enough Votes To Beat Total Maniac Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation's Growing Spider Menace People Of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills Cost Of Living Now Outweighs Benefits

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