The Onion Daily Dispatch - December 02, 2011

Fri Dec 02, 2011 www.theonion.com

Allen Iverson: 'You Hear That, Everybody? We're Coming Back! All Of Us!' 12.01.11 PHILADELPHIA—Following the announcement Saturday that a deal had been reached to end the league-wide lockout, an exuberant Allen Iverson told reporters that every single NBA player, a group that "includes myself, obviously, because I am a curre... News in Brief » Everyone Giving Up On John After Latest Movie Recommendation American Voices » 20 Percent Of American Homes 'Underwater' “That's impossible. My house wasn't worth anything to begin with.” opinion » Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future by Jared Arrington While the Declaration of Independence guarantees each of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, today's economic uncertainty has kept those sacred rights out of reach for many of our newest college graduates. Radio News » Highschool Teacher Constantly Uses Janitor As Example

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, So here’s the deal. I talk up how great your paper is for a few weeks and you agree to snip my indecent exposure arrest out of the police blotter. What do you say? — Greg O’Neil, Twin Falls, ID Most Popular » 20 Percent Of American Homes 'Underwater' Osprey Devours Lion In Massive Food-Chain Shake-Up Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police' Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume 54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore

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