The Onion Daily Dispatch - October 11, 2011

Tue Oct 11, 2011 www.theonion.com

New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory 10.10.11 WASHINGTON—Cutting short its Columbus Day recess, Congress held a special emergency session this weekend to push through comprehensive legislation requiring every dog in the United States to wear a neckerchief, with both parties hailing the outcome as a "major step forward for the nation" and "downright adorable." News in Brief » Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer American Voices » Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs "My dog is way too jaded by our society's rampant commercialism to ever fall for a commercial like that." opinion » I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The Yukon by T. Herman Zweibel Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911) Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many Eastern sea-board offices of The Onion news-paper. Evidently, if accounts from my disgustingly subservient dogsbodies in management are to be believed, the constant rustle of news-print and scratch of fountain-pen nibs has been punctuated by the murmur of pleasant conversation and, in many cases, outright laughter among staffers. Radio News » Report: Sorry No Longer Cutting It

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you. Most Popular » Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC) Brooke Alvarez Has A Chance to Ask Herself A Question New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory Old Friends Catch Up On Phone About Mutual Dissatisfaction With Life George Harrison

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