The Onion Weekly Dispatch - October 31, 2012

Wed Oct 31, 2012 www.theonion.com

Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit 10.30.12 LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway exit he was supposed to take, backseat sources confirmed. “Well, we miss... Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train News in Brief » Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood American Voices » Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles “I’m not going to watch. I’ll wait for the Frost/McCartney movie instead.” Superstorm Sandy Kills 38 video » New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most. opinion » I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay by Janice Weingarten By Janice Weingarten Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind. Most Popular » Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit Worst-Selling Halloween Costumes Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

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