The Onion Weekly Dispatch - October 03, 2012

Wed Oct 03, 2012 www.theonion.com

Quiznos Sandwich Maker Worked Way Up From Mail Room 10.03.12 GAINESVILLE, FL—Effortlessly cutting into a piping hot Baja Chicken sandwich, Kevin Coleman may not stand out among the half-dozen black-aproned sandwich makers at the Quiznos on Southwest 34th Street. Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane News in Brief » Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days American Voices » Teen Drinking And Driving Down Sharply “Teens today are so lame. In my day, you weren’t considered cool unless you died in at least one drunk-driving accident.” Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars video » The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney. opinion » I Want To Know What True Lunch Is by Michael Biddington By Michael Biddington Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him. Most Popular » Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane Quiznos Sandwich Maker Worked Way Up From Mail Room

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