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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Onion Weekly Dispatch - October 31, 2012

The Onion

Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit 10.30.12

LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway exit he was supposed to take, backseat sources confirmed. “Well, we miss...

Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

News in Brief »

Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate

Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House

Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood

American Voices »

Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles

“I’m not going to watch. I’ll wait for the Frost/McCartney movie instead.”

Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

video »

New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.

opinion »

I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay

by Janice Weingarten

By Janice Weingarten

Radio News »

Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: »

Horoscope »

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.

Most Popular »
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Cheat Sheet - Chris Christie: Obama's New Best Friend

The Cheat Sheet

Today: Hurricane Sandy Worsens N.Y. Rat Problem , Power Outages May Last Days , NYC Subways to Reopen Thursday
Cheat Sheet: Afternoon

October 31, 2012
ALLIES

A new political odd couple has emerged in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. President Obama landed in Atlantic City, New Jersey this afternoon to tour the state's damage with Gov. Chris Christie. The pair then took off in the Marine One helicopter for an aerial assessment of the devastation. On Tuesday, Christie said of Obama, "It's been very good working with the president. He and his administration have been coordinating with us. It's been wonderful." Howard Kurtz on how Obama picked off one of Romney's stars.

CREEPY

They're still, there...lurking. As the city's subway system begins to lurch back to life, limited service will resume on Thursday. The Daily Beast's Winston Ross talks to vermin experts about why Hurricane Sandy may have made our rat problem even worse.

IN THE DARK

Get used to it. Power companies warned that East Coast outages could last more than a week for the estimated 2.6 million currently without electricity. Despite thousands of crews working on restoration, flooding, damage, and strong winds are slowing the efforts. Traffic lights are out in several cities and downed lines pose a danger. More bad news: no power hampers the work to get the subway system running again. Power companies will get electricity to hospitals and important locations first.

TAKE THAT SANDY

You couldn't keep New York on its knees for too long, Sandy. The city's subway system will return on a limited basis on Thursday, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said on Wednesday. There will be no subway service below 34th St. in Manhattan due to the lack of electricity, while three of the seven East River tunnels have been pumped. There will be limited Long Island Rail Road and Metropolitan North service beginning at 2 p.m. on Wednesday. Cuomo said he has spoken to President Obama, who has been "very on top of the situation." Obama is touring the devastated New Jersey shore with Gov. Chris Christie, who has called the hurricane damage “worse than anything I ever thought I would see.”

BACK IN BUSINESS

Stock exchanges opened Wednesday morning, following the first close for weather that lasted more than one day since 1888. New York City Michael Bloomberg rang the opening bell on the New York Stock Exchange, which was running on backup power because of blackouts in lower Manhattan. Brokers still had to deal with limited Internet and cell phone service. Trading was brisk, and stocks values began climbing right after the opening bell. However, both the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the S&P 500 were trending downwards by midday.

 


TROUBLE
Japan Tsunami Funds 'Misspent'
According to government audit.
EERILY FAMILIAR
Two Kids Stabbed in Chicago
Babysitter held.
SORRY
Twitter Rumormonger Apologizes
Resigns as campaign manager for GOP House candidate.
UM, WHAT?
Gene Hackman Slaps Homeless Man
Apologizes, but says he was defending wife'’s honor.
Superstar
Taylor Swift Sells 1.2 M Albums
In just one week.
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A Haunted House Scarier Than Sandy?

The hurricane hasn't totally ruined Halloween. Reporter Caitlin Dickson tours Manhattan's serial killer-themed haunted house, Killers, for a scare that can only be described as murderous.



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