The Onion Daily Dispatch - June 12, 2012

Tue Jun 12, 2012 www.theonion.com

Man On Verge Of Self-Realization Instead Turns To God 06.12.12 AUSTIN, TX—A major existential breakthrough was averted Friday when, moments before he had a realization of monumental personal significance, 29-year-old local resident Darrell Gatsas instead turned to God. News in Brief » Bats Shooed Out Of Nation's Waterslide Tunnels In Preparation For Summer American Voices » Commerce Secretary Involved In Hit-And-Run "To think Bryson came to office promising that no one would ever hear of him." opinion » My Great-Grandfather Started This Business With One Simple Mission That We Abandoned Decades Ago by Jeff Mueller, CEO, DKM Group By Jeff Mueller, CEO, DKM Group Radio News » Lost Nature Guide Completely Blanks On What's Edible

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will receive a mention in an exhaustive New Yorker piece titled "6 Billion To Watch Under 100." Most Popular » Man On Verge Of Self-Realization Instead Turns To God Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency Peter Jackson Opens Up About His Personal Hobbit Friends In Beginnings Of Genius Marketing Campaign Or Full-On Mental Breakdown Goldman Sachs Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle Nude Man Who Locked Self Out Of House Delivers Moving Treatise On Human Condition To Slowly Gathering Crowd

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