The Onion Weekly Dispatch - May 16, 2012

Wed May 16, 2012 www.theonion.com

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa 05.16.12 JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing... General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort News in Brief » Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy 'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast Guitar Music Fad Runs Course American Voices » Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line “Oh, come on, Princess Cruise Lines? Even if you're cast adrift with no food or water, you shouldn't settle for anything less than Royal Caribbean.” Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse video » Transcontinental Railroad Completed As Chinaman's Gold Plated Femur Driven Into Ground The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman. opinion » I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked by Terrance Hanley By Terrance Hanley Radio News » County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer

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