The Onion Daily Dispatch - April 05, 2012

Thu Apr 05, 2012 www.theonion.com

Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities 01.31.01 WASHINGTON, DC–Despite other academic shortcomings, inner-city youths possess a firmer grasp of the metric system than their peers in suburban and rural areas, according to a Department Of Education study released Monday. News in Brief » Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment American Voices » Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading "But insiders have the best information." opinion » I'd Be Happy To Help With Any Herding… by A Border Collie By A Border Collie Radio News » Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Most Popular » Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities Metric System Thriving In Nation's Inner Cities Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land Backup Health Care Plan Involves Nation Sharing One Big Jar Of Ointment Florida Police Warn Public Against Taking Law Into Own Hands Unless It’s That Law Specifically Designed For You To Do That Man With Nice Eyes Blown

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