The Onion Daily Dispatch - March 13, 2012

Tue Mar 13, 2012 www.theonion.com

Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job 03.12.12 NEW YORK—A series of horrific, devastatingly injurious events failed to befall 33-year-old Flavorpill.com digital media developer Jake Reston as he confidently skated to work on his longboard, shocked witnesses reported today. Hundreds of aghast Man... News in Brief » Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside American Voices » Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime "That's fine as long as it's Pink Slime–brand pink slime. The generic stuff is no good." opinion » We Hope You Enjoyed Your Stay In The Room Our Daughter Died In! by Rose Hemphill, Proprietor, Rose’s Bed and Breakfast Headed out already? Why, it seems like you just got here. Boy, did you ever luck out with the weather this weekend—warmest days we've had all year! Radio News » New Homeowner Suddenly Fascinated By Molding

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Can you wait until I'm dead to print this so it looks like I'm still writing letters from beyond the grave? — Richard Creel, Eagleville, DE Most Popular » Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job NewsBlitz: Black Eyed Peas Add Inspiring Paraplegic To Lineup Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America's Reputation Worldwide? Report: Some People Wake Up When It’s Still Dark Outside Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

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