The Onion Weekly Dispatch - January 25, 2012

Wed Jan 25, 2012 www.theonion.com

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy 01.23.12 WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho... Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is News in Brief » North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow American Voices » Giffords To Resign "I guess getting shot in the head is a lot worse than we all thought." Paula Deen Has Diabetes video » Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse. opinion » I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself by Jesse Walters In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! Radio News » Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Most Popular » I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012 Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

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