The Onion Daily Dispatch - January 19, 2012

Thu Jan 19, 2012 www.theonion.com

Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign 01.19.12 COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. News in Brief » Nation's Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails American Voices » Zappos Hacked “That explains the hordes of pissed-off barefooted maniacs in the streets this morning.” opinion » You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself by Daniel Stegman, Floor Salesman Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! Radio News » Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Most Popular » Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' Nation's Sound Engineers Gather To Talk About Their Ponytails Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef Zappos Hacked

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