The Onion Daily Dispatch - January 17, 2012

Tue Jan 17, 2012 www.theonion.com

Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head 01.17.12 WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to enterta... News in Brief » Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman American Voices » Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S. "Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die." opinion » I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now by George Washington When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn't quite what I had in mind. Radio News » Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, We need a copy of your Pearl Harbor front page to spin around quickly in a newsreel we're working on. I trust you will supply. — Robert Stanton, U.S. War Propaganda Department, Washington, D.C. Most Popular » Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S. Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef Tanzania Loses Name To Tanning-Salon Chain Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head Huntsman Drops Out Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone

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