The Onion Daily Dispatch - October 10, 2011

Mon Oct 10, 2011 www.theonion.com

Last Bastion Of U.S. Economy Succumbs To Pancreatic Cancer 10.07.11 American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study finds a link between reading text on computer screens and cancer. News in Brief » Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer American Voices » Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs "My dog is way too jaded by our society's rampant commercialism to ever fall for a commercial like that." opinion » No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool by Susan Carr Parenting Expert The truth is, there's only so much even the best mommies and daddies can do for their kids. Like it or not, it's only a matter of time before one of your children drowns in a swimming pool. Radio News » That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you. Most Popular » Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC) Netflix Switches Over To Convenient New Physical Locations Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory Everybody Shocked Body Found In Woods Not Justin

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