Friday, May 20, 2011

What to Do When the Rapture Doesn't Happen: A Guide for Believers

By Adrian Chen

What to Do When the Rapture Doesn't Happen: A Guide for Believers

Greetings, faithful reader. We assume you are reading this on Sunday, after the Rapture did not occur on Saturday as you believed it would. How do you deal with such a stunning turn of events? We're here to help.

We feel for you, rapture believers. You have endured years of ridicule and traveled the world to spread your message that Judgement Day would occur on May 21st, 2011. You've even risked your family's health and happiness. But now it's May 22nd and you have awoken to a normal, non-rapturous Sunday morning. You are confused, panicked, and running really low on groceries.

Dealing with this is going to be tricky. It's the existential equivalent of tripping on a curb and falling on your face. But you have a few options:

Act Casual

Now that the Rapture hasn't happened, the best way for believers to save face is to just play off the whole thing like it wasn't a big deal in the first place: "I mean, I am pretty surprised God didn't descend from the sky and call up His faithful to heaven yesterday. But I really thought the Pistons would make the playoffs, too."

Fake It

If you don't think you can face your family and friends after years of harping on about a Rapture that didn't happen, you could make your own Rapture. Hide in the attic and pretend you got raptured. If anyone tries to get you to come down just be like, "Na na na, can't hearrrrrr you 'cause I'm in heaven partying with the angels!" Live the rest of your life in the attic.

Pretend You Just Woke Up From a Years-Long Walking Coma

"Where am I? Who are you? Is M*A*S*H still on TV? I believed what would happen yesterday?"

Push It Back

The rapture has been delayed more than the opening of the Spider-Man musical. The guy who started this thing, 89-year-old Family Radio Worldwide founder Harold Camping, first predicted the Rapture would happen in 1994, but then revised it in light of new "research." Now that the Rapture didn't happen again, it's just a matter of a few minutes of Googling to figure out the real date of the Rapture. Tip: Pick May 21st, 2111 so you only have to change one number on all your signs.

Beat Up The Guy Who Told You There Would Be a Rapture

Show up early because there's going to be a line. Harold Camping's church has amassed a net worth of $72 million with this end-of-the-world scam, and he's not offering refunds.