June 13th, 2012Top StoryExercise Machines Are For CripplesBy Hamilton Nolan
Well then friend, I'm sorry to tell you: "You are doing it rong," as the kids say. (Catering to the youth demographic: check plus). Here is an alarming but mostly true story: once upon a time, a savvy businessman named Arthur Jones invented the Nautilus fitness machine, which kept a steady amount of resistance on the user throughout the movement. Nautilus machines only worked one muscle group at a time, so gyms bought entire suites of Nautilus machines to make up a full "circuit." People went around, doing each machine in turn, and voila, they had exercised their whole body. Gyms made money. People were happy to pay a lot of money to join a gym that featured hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fancy plastic equipment, rather than just five hundred bucks worth of jagged scrap iron in a fetid pile (a real gym). Arthur Jones made money. And American gymgoers became a bunch of people who thought they were strong because they could move the pin on the chest press machine all the way to the bottom of the rack. They were not strong. People perceived workout machines as shiny, fancy evolutions that were superior to boring old free weights. Bonus: they were much easier, too! Do you see where I'm going with this, America? It was a sham! A sham! A sham! The whole theory! The whole idea! A crock! A fake thingamajig, is what it was, the whole idea that sitting in a fixed position and moving one single muscle through a rigidly controlled range of motion was a better way to work out, than just lifting a god damn weight. It is not. It is much less hardcore. The best exercise you can do with a Nautilus machine is to deadlift the Nautilus machine into a dumpster.
There is one class of people who are allowed to use the exercise machines: cripples. In this category I include you, me, and anyone who is old, decrepit, or recovering from one injury or another. But you are only allowed to use the machines for the movements that might otherwise cause you to break, or die, and when you are better, and stronger, you should stop using the stupid machines, and go back to free weights. For example, I have a fucked up left shoulder, so sometimes I use the machine that simulates the behind-the-neck press, rather than doing the behind-the-neck press with a loaded barbell, which might be fine, but then again could, with the merest wisp of misplaced movement, cause all the tendons and ligaments in my left shoulder to pop and tear in a great and painful rending of flesh and then my left arm collapses like an imploding old building and the barbell comes crashing to the floor like "Kabloosh!" with a great ruckus, scraping the skin off the back of my neck on the way down, and the gym goes silent as the echoing of the dropped weights is eclipsed in volume by my wailing, "My shoulder! Ahhhh fuck my shoulder, Jesus dang shoot that one smarts," and the lengthy physical rehab that follows causes me take to my couch and become a recluse and lose much of my self-esteem and even years later, when I find a girl to marry, it ends in divorce, because I never really recovered that twinkling je ne sais quois I possessed before what I would only refer to thereafter as "the accident." So I use the machine. But I don't like it. And neither should you. Tigers don't use any god damn Nautilus machines. (They use free weights.) (Or would if they were capable.) [Images by Jim Cooke] |
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Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Exercise Machines Are For Cripples
10 Things You Didn't Know About the Making of Prometheus
June 13th, 2012Top Story10 Things You Didn't Know About the Making of Prometheus
We spoke to six designers who worked on Prometheus, and delved into the untold mysteries of this film's creation. Here are 10 things you absolutely did not know about the design of Prometheus — plus some exclusive concept art. The exclusive image above comes from Prometheus: The Art of the Film, released by Titan Books. It's a gorgeous look inside the design process of this film, from its conception as a straight-up Alien prequel to the finished movie. It's chock full of beautiful, scary and moody art. See the full version of that image below. All other images below are courtesy of Steven Messing, and some of them have appeared elsewhere. For this article, we spoke to production designer Arthur Max, concept artists David Levy, Ben Procter and Steven Messing, creature designer Carlos Huante and senior art director Mark Homes. Plus writer Jon Spaihts. With that out of the way, here are 10 secrets we learned about Prometheus: 10. We could have gotten to see Mars being terraformed. Writer Jon Spaihts says his drafts involved a meeting in Weyland's office — which at various times was either on a space station, or actually on the surface of Mars, right in the middle of the terraforming project. "Terraforming was much more Mr. Weyland's burning dream in my drafts," says Spaihts. Oh, and as for why Weyland is played by Guy Pearce in old-man makeup, Spaihts says Damon Lindelof's script showed the android David going inside Weyland's dreams while he was in hypersleep — and in his dreams, Weyland is a young man, on a yacht surrounded by beautiful women. These dream conversations got cut, but Pearce's casting was already locked in. Scott had originally wanted to cast Max von Sydow as Peter Weyland. (In Spaiht's script versions, Weyland isn't aboard the Prometheus at all — instead, there's a hidden squad of company soldiers.)
The early work on the Prometheus was done by Steve Burg, who left the project early on. Says Procter:
Adds Levy, "As opposed to the Nostromo, a very rudimentary ship, Prometheus is a Rolls Royce." Levy worked on the expedition Rover, with Joe Hiura, and aimed for something that looked "modern, scientific and very well thought out, as opposed to military or derelict." Everyone involved with the film had "a real passion for space travel," and was constantly consulting NASA imagery for the latest designs, adds Levy.
7. Pretty much all of those sets were built practically and modeled in 3-D. And David Levy says that the Med Pod where Noomi Rapace gives herself emergency surgery needed to be "built and function in real life." The Med Pod went through a lot of different versions, including some early, more "opaque and heavy" versions, says Arthur Max.
"You can design anything," says Max, but "Ridley wants the set built. He doesn't want surprises. He wants feet and inches." Everything had to be able to fit into the space available, so you would know right off the bat that it was achievable. The only drawback of this method was that it allowed people to work so quickly that sometimes Ridley would ask for changes in a particular set — and the Los Angeles-based artists would rush those revisions to the U.K. set designers, only to find that the set had already been built.
Levy adds that the team had a visit from NASA specialists, who talked about the potential look of different exo-planets, and these real-life scientific ideas informed a lot of the artwork. The team also had access to photos of ice being expulsed into the atmosphere of Saturn's moon Enceladus, and Levy talked a lot to the NASA team about different rare phenomena in our own solar system. 4. The Prometheus art team started very, very small.
Later, it became a 24-hour art department, with people working in both L.A. and London, collaborating via Skype and sending files back and forth for people in both countries to modify. 3. There's an altar to H.R. Giger inside the "Head Room."
And Messing says that some of the iconic shots in this film "pay homage to Chesley Bonestell with strong graphic elements of light and shadow." Other art references include old Giger drawings, national monuments, large installation sculptures — and the Crazy Horse monument in South Dakota. Click to view 1. The creatures could have been much more monstrous. Max adds that the designs for the creatures kept evolving into something that was "a bit too monstery." Ridley Scott really wanted to "keep it real" and avoid anything that looked too overtly monstrous. In the end, the creatures in the film were "collages of creatures, that were recombined for anatonmy and skin type," and they stayed "within the realm of the real." There was a lot of time spent visiting Natural History museums. Often, Ridley would decide that he liked the texture of a creature's head, and he wanted it all over the creature's body, which meant a very time-consuming total resculpt. "Yes, but I want it," Scott would reply. For the creatures in this movie, Carlos Huante says he and Scott also pored over binders full of references, including natural creatures but also paintings by William Blake and J.M.W. Turner, and "books of classical sculpture" for the look of the Engineers. Early, Huante came up with some other types of precursors to the original film's face-hugger and Xenomorph, plus a "primitive Alien creature" that got cut. Top image: Prometheus: The Book of the Film. Image is ™ & © 2012 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. |
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Why Russians Are Obsessed With Dash-Cams
June 13th, 2012Top StoryWhy Russians Are Obsessed With Dash-Cams
The conditions of Russian roads are perilous, with an insane gridlock in the city and gigantic ditches, endless swamps and severe wintry emptiness of the backroads and highways. Then there are large, lawless areas you don't just ride into, the police with a penchant for extortion and deeply frustrated drivers who want to smash your face. Psychopaths are abundant on Russian roads. You best not cut anyone off or undertake some other type of maneuver that might inconvenience the 200-pound, six-foot-five brawling children you see on YouTube hopping out of their SUVs with their dukes up. They will go ballistic in a snap, drive in front of you, brake suddenly, block you off, jump out and run towards your vehicle. Next thing you start getting punches in your face because your didn't roll up your windows, or getting pulled out of the car and beaten because you didn't lock the doors. These fights happen all the time and you can't really press charges. Point to your broken nose or smashed windows all you want. The Russian courts don't like verbal claims. They do, however, like to send people to jail for battery and property destruction if there's definite video proof. That is why there's a new, growing crop of dash-cam videos featuring would-be face-beaters backing away to the shouts of "You're on camera, fucker! I'm calling the cops!" Click to view Dash-cam footage is the only real way to substantiate your claims in the court of law. Forget witnesses. Hit and runs are very common and insurance companies notoriously specialize in denying claims. Two-way insurance coverage is very expensive and almost completely unavailable for vehicles over ten years old–the drivers can only get basic liability. Get into a minor or major accident and expect the other party to lie to the police or better yet, flee after rear-ending you. Since your insurance won't pay unless the offender is found and sued, you'll see dash-cam videos of post hit and run pursuits for plate numbers. And sometimes drivers back up or bump their pre-dented car into yours. It used to be a mob thing, with the accident-staging specialists working in groups. After the "accident," the offending driver–often an elderly lady–is confronted by a crowd of "witnesses," psychologically pressured and intimidated to pay up cash on the spot. Since the Age of the Dash-cam, hustle has withered from a flourishing enterprise to a dying trade, mainly thriving in the provinces where dash-cams are less prevalent. And then, sometimes, someone will jump under your car at a crossing, laying on the asphalt, simulating a badly hurt pedestrian waiting for that cop conveniently parked nearby. This dramatic extortion scheme was common, until the Age of the Dash-cam. Oh, and there are such juicy, triumphant tales about of would-be extortion victims turning the scheme around and telling the cast members to pay them money or they're going to jail for this little performance! Don't try it. While those lucky enough to traverse the Russian roads with an American or other Western passport are hassled less, the Russian Highway Patrol is notorious throughout their land for brutality, corruption, extortion and making an income on bribes. Dash-cams won't protect you from being extorted for cash, because your ass shouldn't have been speeding. It will however keep you safer from drunks in uniform, false accusations and unreasonable bribe hikes. The other side of the Russian Wild Wild West is the sloppy online content policy. In the US, we can't really watch anything slightly more serious than a subway fight or one car rear-ending another, as diligent censors quickly nab any videos with bad injuries, too much blood or other overly violent content. Russian websites go for the uncut, the horrible accidents–trucks flipping over, people being smashed into pieces and sedans flying up in the air and exploding. Given that television programing is mostly vacuous and heavily censored, dash-cam videos are very popular in Russia. It's uncensored–drama, comedy, tragedy, horror, thriller and educational genres fused into one super-genre of "dash-cam." Who needs Klitschko when you can watch to tough guys box in the street? It's not all for kicks and voyeurism. The Ru CHP LiveJournal community is where all the major crashes, fights and deaths are aggregated. These are followed by a barrage of troll comment threads. Vicious stuff. Sometimes seeing a BMW and its driver pulverized by an oncoming truck while the Internet makes jokes is good driver's ed. Additionally, before YouTube diligently deletes most of the road rage videos–lest the sensitive Americans be traumatized by seeing people screaming "I will kill you bitch" and pummeling each other in the head with steel pipes, crowbars and car wrenches. Ru CHP also backs these up on a Latvian server. To better understand and navigate this community service, here's a Russian Dash-cam Video Thesaurus for the blog tag cloud. It is comprised of purposely misspelled hick and thug slang and phrases used sarcastically…while people die. Ah, Russian humour. поциент – "Patient." The poor bastard, the dumb idiot in the video getting pulverized, run over or smashed into. A wordplay of "potz," the Russian translation of the Yiddish "schmuck." летчик – "Pilot." The idiot who zooms by and crashes in the grand finale of a video. слабоумие и отвага – "Courage and dementia." последние секунды жизни – "Last seconds of life." Videos featuring persons before and after fatal accidents. кетай как всегда пиздец – "China is always fucked." Clips from China that feature severe crashes and frequently feature passerbys ignoring the bodies and car debris. кирпичи – "Bricks" (as in "shitting bricks.") The audio track often features the driver panting or shouting the entire Russian vocabulary of swears at the top of their lungs. Used for videos with near misses or close shaves. железобетонное очко – "Anus of Concrete." Honorific given to drivers who, faced with sudden danger like a huge truck coming head-on, remain calm, only saying "shoot" or "darn" quietly in the background, and efficiently steer away from danger, displaying some seriously fucking great driving skills. наварра – The infamous video featuring a certain black Nissan Navarra pick-up swerving to the oncoming freightliner and being smashed into a cloud of small particles. The metaphor for a gruesome, intense, fatal accident. There's another thing you should know about, hotrod: "The Drifters of Vladivostok." There's a particular flavor to disaster clips from Vladivostok. The far-Eastern port city uses Japanese sedans with right hand driver's side almost exclusively. There are readily available sporty Nissans and Toyotas fresh off the ferries from Japan a short distance away. As a result, the teenage population has access to many fast, powerful, inexpensive cars. The city of Vladivostock is much like San Francisco in terrain, with hilly streets and limited visibility. So you have these kids who barely know how to drive, armed with very powerful Japanese cars and cheap, used autos–often fitted with aftermarket nitrous systems. They regularly drive like crazy and perform some violent drifting maneuvers, intentionally over-steering and redlining the engine. The steep hills, the narrow, badly-maintained roads, right-hand vehicles drifting wildly on left-hand roads result in some cinematic, idiotic crashes. And that's the flavor of Vladivostok: The spice of suddenly smoking tires and sound of crumpling plastic. But there are moments of humanity among the crashes, in between the skidding, the burning, the kicking. There are dash-cam videos with happy endings. At a city accident scene, you could see as many as twenty cars pulling over, drivers running out to the scene. And then there are the resolutions, a sort of "brotherhood of the road" moments–forgiveness seen only on long-distance, intercity highways, especially between truck drivers. This comes from the recognition of the fact that on a 300-mile stretch of uninhabited territory, help can only come from passing vehicles and not emergency services. Most Russian long-distance routes East of the Ural Mountains are that way. There is really only one highway like that in North America: the Western Canadian to Alaskan Stretch of the Pan-American Highway. It's common in the Russian winter for light passenger cars to swerve off the road. Imagine a lone Ford Focus tipped-over in a pile of snow by the road. Imagine pulling over, rescuing the deserted traveler from hours of waiting for costly rescue services. The comradery between strangers, shoveling the snow and hailing a freight truck or tractor to pull the car out. The kudos. The cheers. The knowledge that you could be very well be next. And don't you forget it. Aside from the kindness of strangers, it's just you and that little gadget versus the hell that is the other people on the road. This story originally appeared on ANIMALNEWYORK on June 13, 2012, and was republished with permission. Email us with the subject line "Syndication" if you would like to see your own story syndicated here on Jalopnik. |
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