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Friday, December 21, 2012

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012

December 21st, 2012Top Story

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012

By Gawker Staff

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012With our profuse apologies, we now present to you, in no particular order, the 50 least important writers of 2012. Enjoy, or not.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Katie Roiphe
A classic wide-eyed bourgeois Brooklynite, Roiphe has managed to spin her own utterly pedestrian thoughts and experiences into a self-mythology in which she is only despised by those who cannot appreciate her bold, daring choices. In fact, she's just rude. But hey, she's living proof that even Ivy league-educated children of famous parents can one day get a good review in the NYT.
Less important than: Single mothers who do not write for Slate.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Frank Bruni
Living proof that the literary talents that make someone a passable restaurant critic do not, in fact, mean that that person has the depth of thought necessary to be a good opinion columnist. The good news, however, is that Frank Bruni now has a global platform for his musings, whimsy, and what-nots—he thinks Hollywood is fun, the Olympics are dramatic, and politics sure can be dirty. Tell your grandmother.
Less important than: Jackie Harvey
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Dr. Keith Ablow
Fox News' resident medical "expert"/alarmist homophobe. Ablow has become famous for using absurd pseudo-science to try and, amongst other things, convince parents they can ruin their sons' gender identity by allowing them to like the color pink.
Less important than: Dr. Phil, who is, it should be said, also a bald quack.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Aaron Sorkin
Listen, if you haven't already figured out Aaron Sorkin's stance on everything (People don't have mature conversations anymore, the internet has no dignity, conservatives would be cooler if they were actually liberal, bitches be crazy, etc.), there's no hope for you. He can't lay out any more explicitly than he does in The Newsroom, his ongoing attempt to rewrite history as he wish it would have been handled. If all those expository monologues set to Coldplay haven't clued you into the fact that Sorkin likes pushing his inner thoughts on the world at the expense of coherent plots or distinct characters, then by all means, keep on watching.
Less important than: The comment section at MSNBC. What will those crazy RepubliCAN'Ts do next?!
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Chuck Klosterman
"[He] has a mop of ironically uncombed, dyed-yellow hair and thick-rimmed glasses that look like they were placed on the ass as a frat prank, like a wig and sunglasses thrown on an old jack-o-lantern. All of which might lend Klosterman some pathos if he didn't brag so much about his heterosexual conquests and quasi-cynical manipulation of scores of alleged girlfriends. More disturbing are his obsessions with teen and pre-teen pop culture, as exemplified
by a creepy essay on Saved by the Bell." - Mark Ames. Klosterman is the embodiment of writer-as-character, and, worse, of the idea that mixing exaggerated intellectualism with shitty pop culture subjects will produce something brilliant. It won't. It will produce a waste of time. And if you don't care about Klosterman's opinions of Saved by the Bell, you sure don't give a fuck what he thinks about ethics.
Less important than: Nickelback.
[Photo: AP]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Lynn Hoppes
Lynn Hoppes is ESPN's Wikipedia-lifting flack disguised as a writer who preens for the likes of the Jonas Brothers, and that is not even the most damning thing that can be said about Lynn Hoppes. The most damning thing that can be said about Lynn Hoppes is that he has a self-styled mullet.
Less important than: Your desk bobblehead, which at least has personality.
[Photo via]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Mitch Albom
Mitch Albom is an award-winning fabricator. Please refer to the final paragraph here for the most thorough destruction of Mitch Albom, award-winning fabricator.
Less important than: Mike Lupica, who isn't important at all.
[Photo: AP]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012James Franco
Literally the most important writer ever to exist within space and time (and beyond those things), James Franco has been included on this list in error, due to incompetence on the part of a less-skilled writer. Those wishing to experience orgasm for the first time should check out the free-form journal he maintains for the Huffington Post— a record of one man's genius and the ways in which it enriches the lives of many. (A recent example, in which the Reverend Dr. James Franco speaks supportively of his film students: "I hope they know that what they accomplished is fairly unprecedented and hasn't been done by any group of students at any film school. At least as far as I know, and I teach at a bunch of them.") He recently suffered a crushing blow at the International Awards for Blogst Blogging in Blogs, when he took home second place in the race for "Best Entertainment Blog by an Individual or God," leading many to doubt the validity of the competition.
Less important than: A mature 7th grader's LiveJournal.
[Photo: AP]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Ben Domenech
Conservative pundit Ben Domenech was a blogger for the Washington Post for three days in 2006 before he was fired for plagiarism. Now he runs a monthly email newsletter called The Transom, for which people who must not know how to use a web browser actually give him money to access idiotic right-wing musings you can find for free in the comments section of a Yahoo! News article. Such as: Mitt Romney won't release his taxes because he overpaid them.
Less important than: Jonah Lehrer
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Sheila Heti
Canadian selfist Sheila Heti's most recent novel, How Should a Person Be?, was rejected by no less than six American publishers before Henry Holt picked it up in June. There is a very good reason for this. A person should be interested in things outside of themselves.
Less important than: Lena Dunham circa 2010.
[Photo via]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Malcolm Gladwell
In a year where his journalism-as-TED-talk-pitch imitator Jonah Lehrer got all the headlines, and where his internet friendship with doofy 90210 recapper Bill Simmons meant he was more widely-read than ever, New Yorker writer Malcolm Gladwell sealed his irrelevance by becoming that least important of all things: a Deadspin commenter.
Less important than: An actual, literal, blink of your eyes.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Chris Jones
Perpetually aggreived Esquire writer Chris Jones' semen tastes like battery acid to his wife and he has only won two lousy National Magazine awards and he took his blog off the internet in a huff after a Deadspin intern made fun of him on Tumblr.
Less important than: Every magazine writer who did not throw a tantrum about the outcome of the National Magazine Awards.
[Photo via]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Robert Caro
One trick pony! Does anyone care about what Robert Caro has to say about whether women are funnier than men, or why it feels like there's a mass shooting every Wednesday, or the inexorable fracturing of what we used to know as "the culture" into a million digital tranches, or What's Wrong With Brooklyn, or how to properly dress a Thanksgiving turkey? No. One dead president does not an important writer make. Diversify, Robert.
Less important than: Two-trick ponies.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012The Staff of Mediaite
When Dan Abrams' Mediaititititie.com launched, there were high hopes for it to become a "good old days of Gawker" type of media-focused insider news site. Instead, it has developed into a site mostly filled with extremely literal recaps of cable news segments, mixed with weirdly right-wing political media screeds. A dark set of choices for any young writer trying to make a name for themselves: keep knocking out Sean Hannity recaps, or make a lateral move in the company to... GossipCop.com.
Less important than: Poynter.org without Romenesko.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Verlyn Klinkenborg
Verlyn is awarded a plum weekend space on the editorial pages of the New York Times, a newspaper representing a metropolis of millions. Instead of writing about poverty, or politics, or any other issue affecting any human reader of the newspaper, he writes about his lawn, or mud, or hay, or some other benign aspect of life on his farm that does not do a god damn thing for anyone except Verlyn Klinkenborg. Will Verlyn Klinkenborg expand his repertoire in 2013, to grass, and sticks, and manure? The chances seem good.
Less important than: A strand of fresh-cut hay, sweet to the horse's lips, its breath clouding the crisp winter air, blah blah blah.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Georgina Bloomberg
Georgina, the adult daughter of billionaire NYC mayor Mike "Power Personified" Bloomberg, is considered the wild one in the family for attending NYU rather than an Ivy League school. She's written two novels, both about rich daughters of billionaires who enjoy horse-jumping, exactly like herself. Were she to never write anything again, think of how many trees could be saved. Several, at least.
Less important than: Any other novelist in the five boroughs.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Andy Borowitz
Have you ever said to yourself, "The Onion's whole fake-news bit is funny, but I'm looking for something a lot less dark and a lot more obvious. Ideally, I'd like something that would flatter my MOR-liberal political persuasion, and also comes in a daily email for maximum forward-to-all-your-nieces-and-nephews possibilities"? Congratulations, you probably work for The New Yorker, which hired Borowitz in July in order to alienate the last of the Shouts & Murmurs apologists.
Less important than: Whoever is writing Shouts & Murmurs on any given week.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Matthew Boyle
One would think it'd be impossible, as a journalist, to move from the Daily Caller to a position of less importance. But Matthew Boyle, the conservative journalist, showed up all the doubters this year by moving from the Daily Caller to "enlist in Andrew Breitbart's war" as a writer for Breitbart.com. Godspeed, Matthew. Never stop tweeting.
Less important than: Matthew Boyle, when he was a Daily Caller journalist

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Matt Stopera
BuzzFeed senior editor Matt Stopera has developed a keen sense for the internet's lowest common denominator as the site's star list-maker. His lists, like "60 Moments that Gave Me Chills During Seattle's First Day of Marriage Equality, and "13 Simple Steps To Get You Through a Rough Day" chop up reality into an inoffensive meme slop that your relatives can smear all over your Facebook wall. When all human knowledge exists in list form in ten years, blame Stopera.
Less important than: A three-day-old Tumblr meme.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Stephen Marche
In 2012, many unimportant writers fretted about social media in unimportant essays, but novelist Stephen Marche's Atlantic essay, "Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?" was the least important of all. His essay is a parade of trite observations on social media ("a connection is not the same thing as a bond;" "the more connected we become, the lonelier we are") padded out up with meandering explorations of inconclusive studies. Marche's essay ultimately sheds light only on how dumb his question is.
Less important than: A "like" on The Official Fig Newtons Facebook page.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Louise Gluck
Former Poet Laureate Louise Gluck is one of America's most important living poets, which makes her one of America's least important writers. Seriously, who reads poetry?
Less important than: An obscure experimental fiction writer.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Jeff Jarvis
This guy somehow parlayed a stint editing Entertainment Weekly into a reputation as a futuristic media thinker. How? No one really remembers. But while he's never been a great role model for getting things right, he has been a great role model for "How to convince clueless corporate media types to pay you money to give them advice worse than the advice that they could get for free by reading blogs." We salute you, Jeff Jarvis, you hustler.
Less important than: Fake Jeff Jarvis.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Gavin McInnes
Once considered to be a wild and edgy proto-hipster in the early days of VICE, McInnes' slow and sad descent into adulthood saw him doing anything he imagined would grab attention, including lots of ironic-not-ironic racism and getting himself beat up. This year, he published a book with the subtitle, "From Teenage Rebellion to the Hangover of Adulthood." Aw.
Less important than: The good that died young.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Ryan Holiday
What do you call someone who brazenly lies to the press in order to get attention? A lying dick, right? Not according to former American Apparel PR guy Ryan Holiday, who in 2012 repackaged years of being a lying dick into a book in which he reveals the secret to becoming what he calls a "media manipulator." And the secret is: Be a lying dick.
Less important than: All the PR people who do not lie and then write self-glorifying books about it.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Ezra Klein
The persistently inoffensive Washington Post wunderkind mainstream liberals won't shut up about. Klein should write about financial policy and only financial policy, because when he veers out of that he often whiffs it. Remember when he made an "It Gets Better" video about being a dork and not, you know, being a gay person institutionally excluded from society? Woof.
Less important than: He thinks.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Jonah Goldberg
National Review hack and "world's laziest thinker" who bragged about his completely meaningless "Pulitzer nominations" (no actual Pulitzers yet, though). Noted chicken hawk. Big baby.
Less important than: William F. Buckley's left nut.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Thomas Sowell
You may know this decrepit black conservative from his latest in a long line of columns hinting at the fact that he's completely given up even trying, including "Buy People Conservative Books for Christmas" and "Hotels Suck."
Less important than: A very angry child with opinions about what to eat for dinner.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Dean Chambers of Unskewed Polls
In an election year when obsession with statistics and daily tracking polls reached record heights, it too a special kind of unimportance — a rare brand of irrelevancy — to set up a polling shop whose method involves taking someone else's numbers, and then just moving them around until they feel right. Dean Chambers — so uninmportant that he got famous when Rick Perry tweeted about him.
Less important than: math skills.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Matthew Inman, author of webcomic The Oatmeal
Inman, a former internet marketer, uses his skill at pinpointing the lower common denominator to write unreadable Seinfeldian "observational humor" and stomach-turning Hallmark-esque treacle, and then throw tantrums when anyone has the temerity to point out that he clears a million dollars a year writing shitty webcomics. If you're looking for something to hang on your wall that tells your visitors "I Have Never Had an Original or Interesting Thought in My Life," you should check out his posters.
Less important than: the filling and nutritious hot breakfast oatmeal.
[Image via]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012The Journalists on the Rihanna Plane
In November, several dozen journalists and "journalists" accompanied popstar Rihanna on a seven-day, seven-country, seven-concert tour around the world. While initially happy and doing a lot of good journalism about how Rihanna gave them diamonds and champagne, by the latter half of the trip, everyone on board the plane was mad that the excursion was not as cool as they thought it was going to be. (A chief complaint was that they were not getting any stories to turn into their editors. Unclear what huge stories they were expecting to break on the plane in the first place. SPOTTED: RIHANNA STILL ON PLANE.) Through cryptic tweets and anonymous blog posts, the journalists portrayed themselves as the modern day versions of workers at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Following the trip's conclusion, everyone took a stand for integrity by returning the diamonds Rihanna had given them — just kidding!
Less important than: The brave men and women who lost their lives aboard the SS #Breezy.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Peggy Noonan
A columnist, yes, an American columnist, a good American, and a columnist, in the newspaper, Peggy Noonan, a writer. Who has no earthly idea what she is talking about any more.
Less important than: Ronald Reagan's corpse.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Dan Barry
Sickeningly mawkish New York Times sentimentalist Barry travels this great land of ours filling column after column with the most trite, weepy retellings of misty Americana known to mankind. He is the Thomas Kinkade of newspaper essayists. As dependable as that old Chevy your dad would drive down to his job at the mill, every day, back when times were different than they are now—different, and better.
Less important than:
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Thomas Friedman
Remarkably, Friedman has managed to become America's most influential columnist even though he just rewrites one single column over and over again: "As I traveled from the airport in some war-torn country to meet a highly unrepresentative rich and influential man there, my taxi driver mumbled some platitude which I will now expand on to the tune of 800 words. Ipads, hyperconnected cloud computing, and other buzzwords." Who is dumber: Friedman himself, or the many powerful and influential businesspersons who hang on his every vacuous proclamation? It's a tie.
Less important than: Anyone who's ever been quoted in a Thomas Friedman column, particularly the taxi drivers.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Rick Reilly
The sad trend of aging male sportswriters is best defined by recurring dad joke Rick Reilly: he put in his time (23 years) as a wonderful reporter for Sports Illustrated, and then jumped for the money ESPN dangled over his balding head in 2008. He now earns something like $3 million a year by regularly embarrassing himself in print and on camera and desperately lunging for Twitter scoops that he doesn't deserve.
Less important than: Your dad.
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The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012David Denby
The bad New Yorker movie critic. (Not to be confused with Anthony Lane, the good New Yorker movie critic.) Hates humor and good movies. Sourpuss, spoilsport, reliable indicator of the opposite of correct judgment. Notable embodiment of the fact that the writing profession, like life, is not fair.
Less important than:The TV Guide channel.
[Photo: Getty]

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Freddie de Boer
Freddie de Boer, a graduate student in rhetoric and composition at Purdue University, writes for the New Inquiry and operates a blog named after a Camus story. He is lefter than you, and he doesn't hang out with other bloggers like you do, so he hasn't been corrupted like you. He is honored to be on this list, and his inclusion here likely proves some point of his.
Less important than: Keith Gessen.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Michael Wolff
This creepy silver-eyed ghoul dined out for years on the fact that he ran a failed start-up. He closed that chapter of his career, and now he's dining out on the fact that he wrote a biography of Rupert Murdoch two years ago. Michael Wolff would like to be Rupert Murdoch's Robert Caro, but he blew his wad in one book, and now the only time people pay attention to him is when there's a Rupert Murdoch story and he writes some arch observation based on his two-year-old reporting.
Less important than: Tina Brown's personal assistant.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Andrea Peyser
New York's most sex-obsessed tabloid xenophobe, Peyser is said to be a reasonably intelligent journalist who's smart enough to be in on her own joke, pumping out lowest-common-denominator hatred several times a week to rile up the Post's least astute readers. If true, that just makes her worse. Taking Peyser at face value, we can dismiss her as a run of the mill bigot; if she's smart enough to know better, she's actually morally reprehensible. (We take her much too seriously.)
Less important than: Hot lesbian teachers.

The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Jay Mariotti
Here is the condensed story of the last three years of Jay Mariotti's sad career:

  • 1. August 2010: Jay Mariotti assaults his girlfriend in public. In September, he pleads no contest to a single count of misdemeanor domestic violence; six other charges are dropped.
  • 2. May 2011: Jay Mariotti, jackass, is charged with felony stalking and assaulting the same woman.
  • 3. September 2011: Jay Mariotti pleads no contest again and promptly writes and promotes an e-book to tell "his side" of the story. (Jay Mariotti is, at this point, unemployed.) In the book, Jay Mariotti suggests that he was the victim in his abusive relationship.
    For a better understanding of Jay Mariotti's sad career, please visit A.J. Daulerio's opus on the matter.

  • Less important than: A.J. Daulerio.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012A.J. Daulerio
    At some point the Gawker editor's whole "reckless drug-fueled wild-eyed self-immolation" bit has to actually go somewhere, or boredom sets in. We keep waiting for Hunter S. Amblerman's grand finale—the trip to Egypt seemed like an opportune moment for a blaze of glory—but he just keeps writing about whom he finds in his bed.
    Less important than: Tommy Craggs.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Emma Carmichael
    Gawker "managing editor" (fake job title), Juggalo, and noted stock photo model Emma Carmichael's days consist of her writing lengthy "think pieces" on momentarily hot rappers, and then telling everyone else what to do. Why does Emma think she's so special? Probably because she is from Vermont—just like staff writer Adrian Chen, who receives all sorts of special treatment. "The Vermont Club," as the well-known hometown bias is called in the rest of the media. Point is, how the hell does someone from Vermont know about good hip-hop? They can't, which is why Emma loves shitty rappers.
    Less important than: Iggy Azalea, who is already in her 14th minute.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012John Cook
    Misogynist anti-Semite John Cook did everything he could to take down Lena Dunham and the state of Israel in 2012. And yet Dunham sold a book for $3.7 million and Israel signed a ceasefire with Hamas while John Cook blogged about Parenthood on Slate.com.
    Less important than: Allison Williams
    [Photo via]

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Hamilton Nolan
    Written in the style of the internet's most-hated fitness column, I of the Tiger: You know when you're at your laptop in some coffee shop in Brooklyn, and you look over and you see this dude with a buzzcut and some stupid T-shirt with some stupid rappity rap group name on it, and he's sitting there, at his laptop, literally flexing his muscles as he types? That dude is Hamilton Nolan. You know what that dude's good at? Flexing. That's it. Oh no, you say. That dude can write. He can write some words, that dude. Let me tell you something: Hamilton Nolan doesn't know jack about writing words. Hamilton Nolan just sits there popping muscle drugs or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days, and he waits until he gets 'roid ragey enough about some bullshit Thought Catalog or XO Jane post, and then he just flexes. I'm not kidding, brother. He just sits at his laptop and flexes. And everyone goes to his columns and is like, that Hamilton Nolan, what a great media critic, what a great fitness expert, what a great guy! I'll tell you something about Hamilton Nolan that just might surprise you: Hamilton Nolan is a Thought Catalog writer on muscle milk. Now squat-thrust, bitch.
    Less important than: Thomas Friedman's mustache.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Neetzan Zimmerman
    A chronicler of social upheavals, Neetzan Zimmerman broke many of the year's most disturbing stories at Gawker, including Dozer the Dog and Love Bug the Kangaroo Engage in Some Seriously Adorable Interspecies Smooching, Relaxed Cat Sitting Like People is Surely a Harbinger of the Catpocalypse, and Bouncy Tiger Cub Lets Tiny Chihuahua Be King of the House - For Now. Early signs indicate that Zimmerman will become a factorial in 2013 meaning that all post titles written by Neetzan! Zimmerman will contain the product of all previous post titles.
    Less important than: A metaphor for something.
    [Photo via]

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Camille Dodero
    A writer who washed up here from the crumbling wreck that is the Village Voice, Dodero specializes in naked and drug-addled Juggalos and skeevy "revenge porn" pornographers, making her a perfect fit for her new job at the Gawker cock-shot factory.
    Less important than: Hunter Moore

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Adrian Chen
    The Gawker staffer who fattens Nick Denton's Cayman Islands accounts by befriending pathetic trolls and malicious hackers in order to ascertain information about and ruin the lives of other pathetic trolls and malicious hackers. Do not trust this man.
    Less important than: Julian "Dox the World" Assange

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Caity Weaver
    Despite never having had a "real job" in her (short) life, this youthful Gawker staffer feels herself qualified to dole out advice to people with actual problems. (If you do have a real job, watch out—she'll do her best to get you fired.) She treats everything as a big joke, up to and including death. Her bizarre fascination with imagined "haters" is a predictable reaction to the inferiority complex she's developed from an upbringing in one of America's dreariest urban hellholes.
    Less important than: The Philadelphia Streets Department's Sanitation division's online "FAQ" section.
    [Photo: Getty]

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Max Read
    Gawker staff writer Max Read writes exclusively about white people being racist. Here are some people he identified as being racist in 2012: Matt Drudge, Girls staff writer Lesley Arfin, George Zimmerman's defenders. Hmmm... why is Max Read so obsessed with white people being racist?
    Less important than: The financially, culturally and economically crippled Klu Klux Klan.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Rich Juzwiak
    Gawker's chief vacation correspondent, Rich Juzwiak's beat consists of planning elaborate vacations for himself and then writing about them on a cocktail napkin as an afterthought. In 2012, Juzwiak published over 950 pages of internal documents shedding light on some of Mitt Romney's tax evading loop-de-loops, I mean went to Fire Island, unmasked ViolentAcrez "the biggest troll on the web," I mean went to Disney World, and curated a series of moving firsthand accounts from real Americans struggling with unemployment, I mean went shopping with Honey Boo Boo.
    Less important than: Second runner up, "Outfit of Choice," 10-12 age division, Li'l Mizz Rockstar Child Beauty Pageant.

    The 50 Least Important Writers of 2012Cord Jefferson
    Gawker's laid-back LA bureau chief likes to write at length with great nuance and thoughtfulness on complicated, contentious issues, which would be great if OH MY GOD IS HE DEFENDING PEDOPHILES HERE? IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S DEFENDING PEDOPHILES, JUST LOOK AT THE HEADLINE. Can we really trust this guy? Not to mention he's apparently too good for food or t-shirts. Sitting out in California, eating air, shirtless. Is this the man you want around your children?
    Less important than: NYC, greatest city in the world.

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How Hackable Is Your Bank Account? Call Customer Service to Find Out

December 21st, 2012Top Story

How Hackable Is Your Bank Account? Call Customer Service to Find Out

By Melanie Pinola

How Hackable Is Your Bank Account? Call Customer Service to Find OutI was recently stupefied to find out it's extremely easy to get into my (former) bank accounts. All you needed to do was call up customer service and verify very basic information. One bank even reset my security questions when I said I didn't remember them. This is unacceptable; here's how to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Most banks have pretty good online security measures, such as two-factor authentication, which requires you to log in only from approved computers or devices. But as my phone calls proved, the human element is often the weakest link of any security system (remember the Apple and Amazon exploit that wiped tech writer Mat Honan's accounts?). The easiest way to hack an account is often by manipulating the front line of defense—the people stewarding that data.

One bank I called asked for my social security number and name before resetting the password to "password." The other asked for my username and email before resetting the password to the last four digits of my social security number. Social Security numbers are not difficult to guess or steal, as Science Magazine points out, and because most people use the same username everywhere, that's not a great means of authentication. (It's why you might want to use a unique username and separate, dedicated email address just for password recovery.)

I definitely sounded earnest and trustworthy over the phone—even when I said I didn't remember the security question answers (at that point I was testing them)—but so, too, could any persuasive hacker.

Call your bank now to see how they handle password resets. Don't ask them how they do it or try to reset on the website (those seem to be more secure), but try to get your account login reset over the phone, as if you're socially engineering your own account, to find out the criteria and see how easy or hard it is to get your bank login handed over.

After finding these weaknesses, I switched my accounts to banks that not only have stronger online protections, but those that have improved measures over the phone or at least extra guarantees in case of unauthorized access. Charles Schwab, SunTrust, First Tennessee Bank, HSBC, Ally Bank, and others (you'll have to check for those near you) guarantee your accounts in case of unauthorized access. For comparison's sake, the standard guarantee for most banks, from the FDIC, doesn't cover that.

Also, these and other banks (such as ING Direct) might ask you to verify basic information (such as date of birth and address), but they also may have several other additional authentication steps over the phone, including PIN #s or Security Keys that the customer service agent can't/doesn't know; if you forget one of those, you can only get it reset in a few days via snail mail. That may sound like a hassle, but it's well worth it for the extra security.

In this age where strong passwords aren't enough, make sure your most important accounts are as secure as the system currently allows. If you do end up looking for a new bank, ask prospective banks about the measures above. Get Rich Slowly asked readers last year which bank was best for both service and security, and the comments on that article are worth a read. My Bank Tracker also features user reviews of banks. But most of all, for your new bank, test out the account reset system yourself over the phone. If you have a bank you particularly trust, please share them with us in the comments and let us know why.

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What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

December 21st, 2012Top Story

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

By Owen Good

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?Names such as Mortal Kombat and Grand Theft Auto are longtime punching bags in an often-clueless discussion of violent video games in the mainstream. So it was no surprise to hear Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, invoke them in a rambling attempt to deflect blame from the assault weapons that gunned down 20 six- and seven-year-old children last week, to a culture he alleges inspired such acts.

Here's an examination of those two games and the three others that Wayne LaPierre mentioned, and their relevance—or lack thereof—to the neverending scapegoating of video games in America.


Bulletstorm

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

Publisher: Electronic Arts
Released: Feb. 22, 2011 (North America)

Bulletstorm is a science-fiction action story about a space pirate marooned on a paradise world overrun by mutants and horrible monsters. Humanoid victims die in gruesome ways, but the violence is largely self-satirical.

Bulletstorm's most gratuitously objectionable content wasn't necessarily the blood and gore. Game critics chided Bulletstorm for frathouse dialogue saturated with references to male genitalia. The tone spilled over into in-game scoring combinations with titles like "gang bang" or "topless." A psychologist was quoted out of context in an outrageous Fox News report saying this language encouraged gamers to commit sexual violence, or desensitized them to it.

Bulletstorm sold poorly and Epic Games' then-boss Mike Capps said the series was unlikely to get a sequel.

ESRB Rating: M, for "Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Use of Alcohol."

ESRB Rating Summary: This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces.

Click to view During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., 'Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp.'). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as 'f**k,' 'sh*t,' 'p*ssy,' and 'c*ck' can be heard in dialogue.


Mortal Kombat

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

Publisher: Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
Series Began: 1992.
Latest Release Published: Mortal Kombat, April 19, 2011.

Mortal Kombat is a fighting game series known for its graphic finishing moves, announced with an emphatic "fatality!" from the game's narrator. When it was introduced to arcades in 1992, it was distinctive for its use of blood spray, which inspired a wave of exploitation games adding blood and gore to their visuals. Mortal Kombat is commonly associated with the violent video games controversy that began in the early 1990s, which led to the creation of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board.

The last Mortal Kombat release by Midway was 2008's Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, which scrubbed out much of the blood and gore in order to receive the T rating expected of a comic-book tie in. A sequence in which The Joker finished a match by firing his pistol's Bang! flag into his foe's temple was removed for this reason. Mortal Kombat returned in 2011 under Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment, and likewise returned to its roots as a no-holds-barred violent video game. Certain strikes and finishers sent the game into a slow-motion x-ray camera, showing visceral internal damage to bones and organs.

Mortal Kombat was refused classification in Australia, effectively banning it from sale. Warner Bros. was unsuccessful in appealing the decision. Germany and South Korea also refused to permit its sale.

ESRB Rating: M, for "Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language."

ESRB Rating Summary: This is a fighting game in which players engage in one-on-one battles against characters from the fantasy-based Mortal Kombat universe. Players compete in a series of combative rounds in order to advance to different matches throughout the game. Players use swords, guns, chains, spikes, and supernatural attacks (e.g., fire, ice, lightning) to defeat a cast of human-like characters. After an opponent is defeated at the end of a match, players have the option to perform finishing moves called 'Fatalities.'

Click to view Many of these finishing moves depict over-the-top instances of violence: impalement, bone-crushing body snaps, execution-style gunshots to the head; large blood-splatter effects occur during these sequences, staining characters' bodies and the ground. Several of these exaggerated finishing moves depict characters getting dismembered, ripped or sliced in half, stabbed, set on fire, or set to explode. During the course of the game, female characters sometimes wear revealing outfits that expose large amounts of cleavage; one female fighter is depicted partially nude, covered by a costume of thin cloth strips. Language such as 'f**k' occasionally appears in the dialogue.


Grand Theft Auto

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

Publisher: Rockstar Games
Series Began: 1997 (2001 in its modern incarnation.)
Latest Release Published: Grand Theft Auto IV, April 29, 2008.

Grand Theft Auto is, without a doubt, the series most referenced in mainstream media discussion of violent video games and the psychological or sociological impacts attributed to them. It orginated as a driving game navigating a map from a top-down perspective. Grand Theft Auto III introduced the series as it is currently known, an enormous city that players explore at their leisure, either completing missions stringing together the game's dark, antiheroic main story or causing mayhem at random. That includes violence against innocent bystanders, including, most notoriously, the prostitutes working the game's streetcorners. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas even included optional missions in which the main character acts as their pimp. All of these depictions have been chastised as glamorizing a criminal lifestyle and encouraging teenagers and young adults to live out violent fantasies in real life.

Though the series has no shortage of defenders, its lowest point was inarguably in 2005, when a user discovered code left inside the game's PC version that showed a minigame in which the protagonist had sex with any of several girlfriends he could date in the game. Though this content was not surfaced in the main game it could be accessed through a modification. Its presence was enough to trigger the ESRB's AO rating, an extreme label rarely applied, much less to any mainstream game. Copies of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas had to be recalled while Rockstar re-released a version of the game with the objectionable content removed. Dan Houser, Rockstar's co-founder considers the controversy more of an attack on the medium of video games, still considered kids' stuff in the mainstream. "The massive social decay that we were supposed to induce hasn't happened," he told The Guardian last month.

Click to view Grand Theft Auto V will arrive in the spring of 2013, returning the series to its fictionalized West Coast. For all of the controversy it engenders, the series is an enormous best seller and financial analysts frequently point to its release in analyzing the health of parent company Take-Two Interactive. It is one of the flagship brands of modern video gaming.

ESRB Rating: M, for "Intense Violence, Blood, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Partial Nudity, Use of Drugs and Alcohol."

No ESRB rating summary is available.


Splatterhouse

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

Publisher: Namco Bandai
Series Began: 1988
Latest Release Published: Nov. 23, 2010.

Predating Mortal Kombat but far less known, Splatterhouse began as a sidescrolling beat-em-up inspired by American slasher flicks like Friday the 13th (its protagonist wears the "Terror Mask," which resembles the hockey mask worn by Friday the 13th's antagonist.) The game had one arcade release before it was ported to home consoles in the early 1990s. Its first console port, for the TurboGrafx-16, carried a tongue-in-cheek warning saying the game was inappropriate for children, "and cowards."

Before 2010, Splatterhouse's most recent console release was Splatterhouse 3 in 1993. A version was released on the Wii's Virtual Console in 2007. Splatterhouse has never reviewed well, making its mention by LaPierre somewhat amusing to knowledgeable gamers.

Splatterhouse's 2010 release, which we called a "massive disappointment," and a "violent, excessively gory brawler," was roundly panned on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. There has been no mention of any sequel or reboot for this series.

ESRB Rating M, for "Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Nudity, Sexual Themes, Strong Language."

ESRB Rating Summary: This is an action game in which players help a college student named Rick Taylor rescue his kidnapped girlfriend from a deranged doctor. As players explore a haunted mansion, they engage in constant melee-style combat; players use cleavers, chainsaws, machetes, and Rick's bare hands to kill and dismember enemies (e.g., zombies, monsters, demons). Players can also use severed arms and limbs as weapons to attack enemy creatures; injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground, surrounding walls, and Rick's body.

Click to view Finishing moves represent the most intense instances of violence: Rick tears monsters' limbs and heads from their bodies-accompanied by a gushing sound effect; Rick sometimes reaches into creatures' torsos to remove various organs. Along the way, players can pick up photo fragments that depict topless images of a female character. Completed photos, viewable from the menu screen, are accompanied by suggestive voice-over clips (e.g., 'Just for you, Rick-o. I'm yours and no-one else's' and 'R Rating? When we get home, let's you and I put on our own private NC-17 show.'). Dialogue also contains sexual innuendo (e.g., 'Tell me; how many guys can you beat off at the same time?') and language such as 'a*shole,' 'sh*t,' and 'f**k.'


Kindergarten Killer

What Are Splatterhouse, Kindergarten Killer and the Other Games the NRA Slammed Today?

The wildcard entry in Wayne LaPierre's tirade, Kindergarten Killer is said to have been available online as a flash game for at least 10 years. It last made news in 2008 when a Finnish web site removed the game in response to a mass shooting at a school in that country. Its creator is said to be Gary Short, an 18-year-old from the U.K. at the time. The site where it was originally launched has been inactive since 2005.

The game is a crude, point-and-click target shooter depicting a janitor gone on a shotgun rampage inside a school. Angry cartoon children fire back with firearms of their own, and their wounds spurt blood until they are shot dead.

"It's called Kindergarten Killers," LaPierre said, mistakenly pluralizing the title. "It's been online for 10 years. How come my research staff can find it, and all of yours couldn't ... or didn't want anyone to know you had found it?" Possibly because it was a throwaway experience, not even rising to the level of the much more provocative and much more memorable Super Columbine Massacre. How come video gamers can still find something like that, and all of the NRA's research staff couldn't?


Kindergarten Killer's almost total obscurity, to say nothing of the fact it is a flash game lumped in with four longstanding console series, makes it the most laughable inclusion in the NRA's strange news conference today, severely weakening the NRA's claim that all video games are purposefully and callously violent. As the work of a bored teenager, it is by no means representative of the "shadow industry" LaPierre condemned. Sure, it's awful, and easily accessed by children over a web browser; so is most anything violent, pornographic, or shocking to the conscience.


That is not to say that the games Wayne LaPierre mentioned are wholesome entertainment that can be discussed in polite company. But neither can many of the R-rated action or science-fiction movies and crime thrillers whose themes continue to inspire the most popular video game series.

Holden Miller contributed reporting to this story.

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