The Onion Daily Dispatch - October 26, 2012

Fri Oct 26, 2012 www.theonion.com

Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode 10.26.12 WASHINGTON—In an urgent warning to the American public, the U.S. Department of Homeland advised citizens to take any and all measures necessary to avoid missing this week’s episode of the hit TV drama starring Claire Danes and Damian Lewis. News in Brief » Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year American Voices » U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer “I think I’m going to stick with the Saudi stuff. Imported oil just feels fancier.” opinion » I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself by Barack Obama, Incumbent Candidate For President Of The United States By Barack Obama Radio News » Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, I have a really good feeling about the numbers 4, 35, 14, 25, 9, and 40 in the lottery this week, and I just wanted to ask that none of your other readers play them. — Lars Erikson, Mobile, AL Most Popular » God Distances Self From Christian Right Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday?

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