October 3rd, 2012Top Story 27 Of The Most Insane Martial Arts Battles Ever Filmed By Cyriaque Lamar We here at io9 love a good mind-melting martial arts battle between ninjas, kung fu masters, or two perplexed extras who have no self-defense training whatsoever. And over the years, a hearty 98% of our daily coverage has been devoted to finding the weirdest, most reality-defying fisticuffs ever dreamt up. For posterity's sake, we've amassed all these wondrous fights, ninjutsus, and forbidden techniques in one article. You probably shouldn't watch these clips all in one sitting, lest your brain starts leaking out of your ears. (A metric ton of appreciation and thanks goes out to Sardonicus1313, who has been an invaluable ally in tracking down the best of the zany. Also, special shout-out goes out to Riki-Oh, which we've discussed recently. Also, Ninja Terminator, for simply being Ninja Terminator.) Click to view 1. Kung Fu From Beyond The Grave — Dracula Summoning Yes, there is a martial arts maneuver to summon Count Dracula. It is the only one you'll ever need. Click to view 2. Shaolin Popeye — Death Farting I've never seen Shaolin Popeye, but this power alone makes him/his son/whoever this kid is better than the American Popeye and his spinach steroids. This sophisticated drama also featured a scene of fishing with one's doodle. Click to view 3. The Crippled Masters — Bionic Friends This is like Master Blaster, but a thousand times better. Click to view 4. Magic of Spell —???? This batshit Taiwanese fantasy flick defies description, so I won't even attempt a synopsis. Press play and turn off your brain. Watch the whole thing here. Click to view 5. Buddha's Palm — Acid Pimple With the proper training (and by always wearing a facial mask of chicken grease and avocado butter), you too can turn the sebaceous gunk clogging your pores into a deadly weapon. Click to view6. Magic of Spell — Laser Peach A giant levitating peach that shoots lasers? Now that's what I call tangible plotting. Click to view7. Blowgun Magic I think this is from some movie called Peach Kid (or maybe a sequel of Magic of Spell). In any case, you can watch the whole film here (I think). Click to view 8. Ninja Wars — Female Head-Switching In this sequence, five wicked ninja switch a female ninja's head with that of the governess' in some icky ploy to restore her virginity. Watch it here. Click to view 9. Jade Dagger Ninja — Super Hair Growing Murder Power This fellow grows a full demon haircut in 10 seconds and pummels the guts out of some dudes. Click to view 10. Kung Fu Wonder Child — Vampire Children What's worse than a hopping Chinese vampire? A pair of Chinese vampire toddlers. For more Jiang Shi insanity, check out The Gods Must Be Crazy 3 (of all movies). Click to view 11. Holy Weapon — Exploding Bird Men + Super Strength Another fine, indescribable battle that defies comprehension. Click to view 12. The Battle Wizard — Gorilla Fighting + Frog-Eating This is on par with Magic of Spell. Don't think too hard about what you're watching. Click to view 13. Holy Weapon — Spider Seduction Magic Lady turns into giant spider, eviscerates a bunch of dudes. The subtitles are amazing. Click to view14. How do you defeat the kung fu land canoe? With the human go-cart, of course. Click to view15. We've changed our mind. Always end your movie with breast lasers. Click to view16. Tremble before the zombie crocodile! Click to view17. To cross the paper bridge, you must chop off your legs! Click to view18. No kung fu movie is complete without a watermelon monster. Click to view19. Dhalsim from Street Fighter, the early years! Click to view20. The German shepherd chariot of destruction! Click to view21. Beware the ninja vagina bubble! (There's more, including ninja baby magic, at this link.) Click to view22. The dreaded decapitated boomerang! Click to view23. Umbrella warfare! Click to view24. Popeye and Bruce Lee go to Hell, fight mummies. (Read more here.) Click to view25. The exploding fish grenade (and hula hoop of war)! Click to view26. The dreaded stilt woman! Click to view27. Still the greatest. Portions of this io9 Flashback appeared in February 2011. Top image: the poster of Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave, which was a real movie.

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