The Onion Weekly Dispatch - May 02, 2012

Wed May 02, 2012 www.theonion.com

Anxiety-Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed Of Every Single Thing He Does 05.02.12 OAKLAND, CA—Friends and colleagues of copywriter Timothy Gibula confirmed Wednesday that the anxiety-ridden 36-year-old is right to feel ashamed of every single thing he does, considering that all his acquaintances are, exactly as he fears, actively... NASA Announces Plans To Put Man On Bus To Cleveland News in Brief » Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says New Visa Talking Credit Card Urges Buyers To Go For It Poll: Support For Afghanistan War Up Among Americans Who Love Horrible Situations American Voices » Jessica Simpson Has Baby "Jessica looks great ever since she lost those last few pounds of baby." Wind Farms Cause Local Warming video » Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond. opinion » As Long As My Child Does Something That Makes Him Happy And Wins The National Book Critics Circle Award For Fiction, I’ll Be Proud by Gregory MacIntyre By Gregory MacIntyre Radio News » Mosquito's Life Cut Short

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Most Popular »

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