The Onion Daily Dispatch - April 24, 2012

Tue Apr 24, 2012 www.theonion.com

Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks 07.28.11 WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al- Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and upgrades would need to be implemented before the militant ... News in Brief » Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life American Voices » Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected "But what of our nation's precious kite population?" opinion » Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Come Crawling To His Uncle To Hear His Fleetwood Mac Concert Stories by Michael Fleischmann Ah, my dear nephew, I thought those were your steps I heard. Allow me to pause this Mirage concert bootleg; may I ask to what I owe this unexpected visit? Radio News » Pope Lays Off 20 Cardinals

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, I recently stumbled across some documents at work that your readers might find enlightening. Let me know if you’d like to have a look at them. Thank you. — L. Panetta, Arlington, VA Most Popular » Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook DOT: Dangerous Intersection Causing Some Pretty Cool Accidents But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan

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