April 30th, 2012Top StoryHow to Handle Your High Maintenance Friends and Family Without Losing Your MindBy Adam Dachis We all have that one friend or family member who's a constant drain on our energy. You want to keep that person in your life (or have to), but you could do without the huge amounts of stress. While you can't change who someone is, you can do a lot to remove the dysfunction from the situation. Whether you've got one or many high-maintenance people in your life, here's how to handle them. I've dealt with a handful of what most of us call high-maintenance people in my life, some of which I've handled better than others. It's always a delicate situation and everybody's a little different. That said, like in any situation, certain approaches can work significantly better than others. To figure out which approaches work best for handling the high-maintenance crowd, I enlisted the help of relationship and family therapist Roger S. Gil. Here's what I learned about managing those often stressful high-maintenance relationships. Set Clear Boundaries (Because They Will Be Crossed)When I'd first started work as a freelance designer, I wanted to do a great job. Clients would take advantage of this, often coercing me into doing more work than we'd agreed upon. An early mentor told me one important thing: the first thing you need to do is set clear expectations and put them in writing. If a client asks for something you didn't agree to, you can always refer back to that list when you need to say no. Sure, a personal relationship isn't a series of business transactions, but stressful situations with high-maintenance loved ones aren't terribly different. If a friend or family member is continuously crossing a line, you need to ensure they know where that line is. Roger suggests the following:
This can be an uncomfortable conversation, especially if you bring it up out of nowhere. If you do that, it may seem as if you're on the offensive. Because this is an ongoing relationship and not one formed from a business contract, you have the option of waiting until a problem arises. When it does, use that moment to tell your high-maintenance person what is or isn't okay. Let them know the terms of your relationship, and refer back to them politely anytime they breach those terms. Setting boundaries is important, but it's also crucial that you are consistent. If you're not, and you let this person break the rules you've set out, they'll learn that the rules don't matter. That will only make things worse. Nurture the Relationship On Your TermsHigh-maintenance people live in a world that revolves around them, so the only schedule that matters is their own. They'll often forget about, or even ignore, the times you're busy because they find their time to be more important. High-maintenance people won't necessarily think this way consciously, but rather over-estimate the importance of their current issue. That results in phone calls and subsequent requests that sound dire but really aren't all that important. To avoid this problem, Roger suggests only making an effort to help when you have the time:
This is difficult because you have a lingering "what if" in the back of your head, making you wonder if something bad is actually happening. You're simply a victim of a boy who cried wolf situation, causing you to worry about the possible guilt of ignoring a truly important problem. What you have to remember is that it is not your fault that a high-maintenance person cannot prioritize their issues and let you know when they truly do need your help. By putting your time first, you put them in a situation where they either have to find someone else who will devote the immense amount of time they desire or they will learn to only ask for help when they truly need it. Either way, you don't have to spend too much time concerning yourself with their constant—and often trivial—issues. Choose Your Battles WiselyHigh-maintenance people don't like to be wrong. Because they consider their time of the utmost importance, it shouldn't come as a surprise that their opinions are highly regarded as well. When you disagree with them, chances are they'll just fight back until you give up or just become upset with you. When you pick a battle with this kind of person, Roger suggests you should save the occasion for when their actions are causing you harm:
It's important to pick only the battles you need to win. If you don't, you're just going to end up exhausting yourself. Plan for a Little "Crazy"Life is capricious. It breeds interruptions and imperfections regularly. You can rarely count on things going to plan, but you can plan for potential problems and handle them well. High-maintenance friends and family members make up part of the force that brings the unexpected into your life. While you don't always know what they're going to do, Roger believes you can plan for it:
In fact, these unexpected moments can often be good opportunities to help set those boundaries. Every time something bad happens, you have an opportunity to turn your problems into progress. It can be hard work, but it's better than enduring the issue for nothing but grief. Give Yourself a BreakHigh-maintenance people often cause high amounts of stress. If they didn't, you probably wouldn't be reading this. Like with any stressful situation, it's important to remember to extract yourself from it from time to time so you have a break. There are plenty of ways to do this, and Roger offers up a number of great options:
With high-maintenance people, it can be easy to forget that you're the priority in your own life. When things get too stressful, remember to put yourself first. Get HelpIt's unlikely that you're the only resource your high-maintenance friend or family member has in their life. Chances are you know one or two of the other people that they also go to for their frequent emotional needs. Don't let the burden sit solely on you. Roger suggests tag-teaming this person's many requests with someone else:
You have your own problems to deal with. Putting someone else's issues entirely on your back isn't healthy. Asking someone for help will not only lighten the load, but give you a friend to talk to about all the ridiculous things you both have to deal with. A big thanks goes out to Roger S. Gil, M.A.M.F.T. for his integral contributions to this post. Be sure to check out his podcast and follow him on Twitter for advice on personal relationships and more. Photos by Graffiti, Laschon Maximilian (Shutterstock), Janaka Dharmasena (Shutterstock), Scarleth White, and Photo by Dmitriy Shironosov.. |
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Monday, April 30, 2012
How to Handle Your High Maintenance Friends and Family Without Losing Your Mind
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