The Onion Daily Dispatch - March 22, 2012

Thu Mar 22, 2012 www.theonion.com

Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers 03.21.12 CHICAGO—A study published this week in the journal Pediatrics found that, within seconds of their birth, babies have the ability to sense whether their parents are losers. News in Brief » Military Now Considering Limiting Soldiers With Severe PTSD To 3 Combat Tours American Voices » Romney Wins Illinois "I hope that means these guys can go back to being friends now." opinion » Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair by Marcus Russo , President and CEO, Pantene By Marcus Russo, President and CEO, Pantene Radio News » Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, I find your insistence on correctly ordering your pages insulting. I could still read it, no matter how silly you got with them. — Evelyn Bencin, Luzerne, PA Most Popular » Study Finds Newborn Infants Can Tell If Parents Are Losers U.S. Citizen Resigns After Making Controversial Remark About Country Tebow, Sanchez Vow To Work Together To Throw Football Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness Romney Wins Illinois Wendy's Surpasses Burger King

If you do not want to receive anymore emails from us, please click the following link unsubscribe. To unsubscribe via postal mail please send your request to: 536 Broadway New York NY, 10012 Please include the email address at which you have been contacted. All of our emails are sent from the domain http://www.theonion.com.