The Onion Daily Dispatch - March 16, 2012

Fri Mar 16, 2012 www.theonion.com

Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television 03.16.12 BRISTOL, CT—Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles, and artificially inflated news stories, media analysts annou... News in Brief » Study Finds Owning Cool Leather Jacket More Rewarding Than Raising Children American Voices » Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision “Not to diminish the wonder of space travel, but surely we can find cheaper and safer ways to blind astronauts here on Earth.” opinion » The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed With The Blood Of Air Show Pilots by Kenneth Karns For more than two centuries, the United States of America has stood as a shining beacon to people the world over. Radio News » Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Most Popular » Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed Study Finds Owning Cool Leather Jacket More Rewarding Than Raising Children

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