The Onion Weekly Dispatch - February 08, 2012

Wed Feb 08, 2012 www.theonion.com

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans 02.08.12 WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S. Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy News in Brief » Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book Health Department Still Not Able To Really Prove Why People Shouldn't Be Eating Candles Area Dad Figures He's Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories  American Voices » Smoking Speeds Mental Decline "Oh God, these cigarettes are terrible for me!" Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama video » In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us. opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Most Popular » New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He's Kept A Little Boy's Name For So Long Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

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