The Onion Weekly Dispatch - February 01, 2012

Wed Feb 01, 2012 www.theonion.com

FDA Urges Americans To Check Out Weird-Looking Potato 01.30.12 SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato. The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Marylan... Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create News in Brief » Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’ American Voices » Facebook To Launch IPO “They may want to hold off on that—a few of my friends are threatening to leave Facebook over some of its new features.” Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact video » Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay." opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Most Popular » Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized Romney Celebrates Florida Win With All-Night Miami Beach Rave Facebook To Launch IPO Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It Off The Top Of My Head Romney During Victory Speech: ‘Man, This Is A Weak Field’

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