The Onion Daily Dispatch - February 14, 2012

Tue Feb 14, 2012 www.theonion.com

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct 02.13.12 WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate... News in Brief » Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet American Voices » Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad "C’mon, dude. Everybody knows that if you're going to insult Muhammad on Twitter, you do it right and create a fake Salman Rushdie account." opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from? — Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK Most Popular » New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct 20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine's Day Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

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