The Onion Daily Dispatch - February 13, 2012

Mon Feb 13, 2012 www.theonion.com

Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can 02.12.12 INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to... News in Brief » Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids' American Voices » Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones “I bet us Americans are much better at running from them than those whiny Afghans.” opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

featured section: » Letters To The Editor » Dear The Onion, Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from? — Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK Most Popular » 48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

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