The Onion Daily Dispatch - February 03, 2012

Fri Feb 03, 2012 www.theonion.com

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene 02.03.12 DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu... News in Brief » New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion American Voices » Should Sugar Be Regulated? "The only thing I love more than drinking, smoking, and eating bad are taxes and regulations, so hell yeah!” opinion » Off The Top Of My Head by Jean Teasdale Love a good bargain as much as Jean Teasdale? Betcha you don't! For example, I don't call the third day of the week Tuesday anymore—I call it Doublecouponday! Radio News » Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Most Popular » 'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet 1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day

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