Wed Jan 11, 2012 www.theonion.com

Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation 01.09.12 WASHINGTON—Beltway sources confirmed rumors this week that the U.S. Capitol is haunted by the ghost of H.R. 4591 All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer News in Brief » One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now American Voices » Will Google, Facebook Stage Blackout Protest? "Wow. It would be hard to imagine a day without Google or Facebook. I guess it would be like that time when my girlfriend and I biked out to the abandoned rail corridor and we had a picnic and we saw a couple wild turkeys." First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born video » Blue Ivy Taken By Evil Witch Who Gave Beyoncé Her Beautiful Singing Voice Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent. opinion » I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now by George Washington When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn't quite what I had in mind. Radio News » Boss's Threats Hilarious

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Most Popular » Blue Ivy Taken By Evil Witch Who Gave Beyoncé Her Beautiful Singing Voice One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now Boss's Threats Hilarious Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

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