The Onion Daily Dispatch - January 23, 2012

Mon Jan 23, 2012 www.theonion.com

Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow 01.22.12 News in Brief » Third-Grader Prays Massive Deficit Coupled With Decreased Tax Base Causes District-Wide School Closings Tomorrow American Voices » Paula Deen Has Diabetes "Whew. Good thing I’ve been substituting part skim ricotta in her lasagna sandwich recipe." opinion » You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself by Daniel Stegman, Floor Salesman Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! Radio News » Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Most Popular » Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is The Week In Pictures Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

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