The Onion Daily Dispatch - January 20, 2012

Fri Jan 20, 2012 www.theonion.com

Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees 01.20.12 SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a... News in Brief » New Social Media Start-Up Aims To Be Cross Between Facebook And Facebook American Voices » Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline “I can’t help but think of all the lost jobs, like cleaning up oil spills and delivering bottled water for people to bathe in.” opinion » You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself by Daniel Stegman, Floor Salesman Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! Radio News » Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office

featured section: » Horoscope » Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Most Popular » Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong' Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

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