October 22nd, 2012Top StoryThis Election Is Tied? Yeah RightBy Hamilton Nolan
This presidential election is basically tied right now? Sure, tell me another one. I guess you personally went up to every voter and figured out how their secret ballot would come out using your magical future-predicting flippin' coin, eh? Sounds good. I think I'll just take your word that this election is totally neck and neck. Oh wait just one second there—I think I won't. Burn. No it's not—it's a promise. I'll tell you what I hate: when we're going along, for a while, and everyone is like, "Obama's gonna win," and then you go outta town for a couple weeks and you get back and those very same people are all, "wow what a close race." I don't think I was born yesterday was I? No, I wasn't, I just checked my driver's license and I'm 33 years old, so that would be impossible. Gee, didn't some of you same people once say Obama would probably win, at some point? And now we're just supposed to forget all that? How about I just watch football from now on? The news is boring. Do I look like a sucker? Yeah right. People don't understand that you have these polls on one side, and then the other side has their own polls, and the numbers are going all up and down all the time, home phones, cell phones, and all the different technologies. And then as soon as the "newsman" tells you the race is tied, you all trip over one another trying to believe it without factoring in all the factors. You're giving these guys more credence than a Clearwater Revival, and meanwhile, hey, don't worry about me, I'll just keep on whittling my stick over here in the corner, because I already heard this discussion, back when the answer was different. My name's not Einstein but two numbers can't occupy the same space at the same time. So what do you call this? Cat got your tongue? The worst part is that all you have to do is trot out some so-called "expert" in a business suit and you'd be amazed what people will believe. You take any guy who works at some "polling firm" and you comb his hair and put a tie on him and say "sit there, in front of the camera, and say that the race is a dead heat," and next thing you know you can't go to the barber shop without Randy talking about the race is a dead heat, as if Randy knows what it is. Have you seen Randy's boat? And this is the guy I'm supposed to listen to? It doesn't even matter to me a whit. You all go ahead and believe what you want, about the polls and the politician race, because I remember basically like two seconds ago when Obama was winning. I had a gut feeling about this whole thing years ago and I haven't been shy about sharing it, and no spreadsheet-waving talking head on the idiot box is going to turn me discombobulated. I'm sick and tired of it. Who is wagging who here, the cat or the mousetrap? Who is pulling the strings from above? All these television networks are in it to make money, and they don't even have enough to keep Peter Jennings in his job any more? Who is the gullible sucker if you really think about it? I don't know who's winning, but I know Obama is going to win. There's a football game on tonight, too. [Photo: AP. *Note: the words in the picture are not part of the original picture but are added for the purpose of scientific representation for our readers.] |
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