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Thursday, October 20, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Senate Confirms Commerce Secretary

Senate votes 74-26 to confirm John Bryson as Obama's new commerce secretary

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Dear Prudence: Bye-Bye Baby

Slate Magazine
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Dear Prudence
Bye-Bye Baby
My sister is making a huge mistake by placing her child for adoption.
By Emily Yoffe
Posted Thursday, Oct 20, 2011, at 11:17 AM ET

Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)

Got a burning question for Prudie? She'll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at 1 p.m. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.

Dear Prudie,
My youngest sister, a junior in college, is pregnant. She is friendly with the baby's father but is not in a relationship with him, nor does she wish to have one. My sister and the baby's father decided to give their child up for adoption and quickly found a couple. I am having trouble accepting my sister's decision. I understand being 21 and finding yourself pregnant is not ideal, but our parents are well-off and are paying for her education. I said to her that as a mother myself, I did not understand how she could give her child away. I told her I would be happy to watch her baby while she is taking courses, since my kids are in school. I know our parents would help with the finances. I simply cannot understand why she is choosing adoption when she has support, both financial and otherwise. I think she is being a bit entitled. After all, she got herself into this mess, and it doesn't seem fair that she just gets to put the child up for adoption and ...

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Sports Nut: Fake Me Out at the Ballgame

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Sports Nut
Fake Me Out at the Ballgame
Phony Vince Young, phony Derek Jeter, and more of history's greatest and most ridiculous sports impostors.
By Matthew J.X. Malady
Posted Thursday, Oct 20, 2011, at 11:17 AM ET

Stephan Pittman looks nothing like Vince Young. The former is a balding, 33-year-old registered sex offender living in Fort Washington, Md., who's been described in the press as "a little out of shape" and "not that athletic." The latter is a college football legend and the current backup quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. That disparity didn't stop Pittman from allegedly posing as Young in order to, among other things, pocket phony charitable donations and score free drinks at nightclubs.

Pittman, who was arrested a few weeks ago in Maryland, followed a familiar playbook. Scam artists have been impersonating professional athletes for ages, and their tales are marked by two repeating themes. First, the impostors are almost always bumbling and shoddy. Second, the victims are usually willing to suspend disbelief to an outrageous extreme. In 2001, NFL receiver Jacquez Green, whose identity was pilfered by a Florida grifter, set forth a simple one-step plan for foiling sports scammers. "Ask yourself," the wealthy athlete implored, "Why would I need to be asking for money?" And yet, when a supposed pro athlete is in our midst, we seemingly lose all ability to distinguish between a wealthy football player and a random fat guy.

In the distant past, when Notre Dame had a good football team and fans packed auditoriums to witness one outrageous basketball trick shot after another, the athlete impostor bit was most often used to obtain free hotel stays. Police arrested Charles A. Hart in the summer of 1963 ...

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How to Overcome Your Worst Fears

By Melanie Pinola

How to Overcome Your Worst Fears

How to Overcome Your Worst FearsYou know that queasy, heart-racing, gut-wrenched feeling you get when you're scared or feeling anxious? Everyone has experienced this because fear is normal—a helpful mechanism, even—preparing us for dangerous situations like a vicious-looking dog or a twister approaching. But irrational fears hold us back and keep us from enjoying our lives as much as we might like to. If you're tired of letting your fears get the best of you, here are some proven tips and strategies to take you from terrified to calm and confident.

My Background: An Extreme Fear of Heights

I can't climb a three-step ladder without shaking. For real. My fear of heights really is that extreme. Like most people with phobias, though, I've learned to manage pretty well by avoiding what I fear: I don't go on balconies, shy away from seats high up in the concert stadium, and steer clear of things requiring climbing. Until recently acrophobia wasn't really debilitating; I can do just about everything I want to on safe ground.

A few months ago, though, I went to a fair with my five-year old daughter, and the only ride I could bring myself to go on with her was the ferris wheel. (After turning her down for every other ride, I had to go on something.) Big mistake. Our car paused at the top for what I thought was an eternity, swaying beside the utility wires and treetops. While I clutched the pole in the middle of the car for dear life, my daughter laughed with pure joy and asked, "Isn't this fun, Mommy? Aren't you happy you're here now? You're not SCARED, are you?" I realized then that I had to get over this problem.

How to Overcome Your Worst Fears Exactly two weeks ago, I pushed myself off the Leap of Faith, a "60-foot almost-vertical drop" waterpark slide. Literally—you lie down flat and push yourself off and then you're hanging frozen in mid-air for a second before you hit the slide and go 20-miles-an-hour or so down a tube through shark-infested waters. Photo: Atlantis.com

I've detailed below some of the mind hacks I needed to use to do this complete 180, as well as other techniques psychologists suggest for overcoming fears and anxieties of all types, whether you're afraid of heights, dogs, public places, flying, or anything else.

Step 1: Learn More About What You Fear

The better you're able to understand what you fear, the better your chances of feeling less anxious about it. You can challenge your negative or unrealistic thoughts about the things you fear by learning more about them. Jeff Guardalabene, a clinical psychologist in Portland, said:

For example, with a fear of flying, knowing that the wheels will go "bump" when they are retracted, understanding that it is normal to experience mild turbulence, and even peeking at the accident statistics for airplane flight (hundreds of millions of flight miles with barely any accidents), can really help.

Knowledge is power. And comforting.

In my case, I watched countless YouTube videos of people happily going down that waterslide until it almost seemed fun. I researched enough to convince myself that no one died of a heart attack going down it.

Knowing why you're afraid—the root cause—might also be insightful. Andrew Canella, a musician with a bachelor's in psychology, wrote in with a Simpsons episode example of Marge's fear of flying: her fear stemmed from seeing her father as a male flight attendant when she really thought he was a pilot. Yes, it's an offbeat example, but uncovering even the weirdest root causes can be worthwhile, because they can get you to talking about your fears and then accepting what you can or can not control. (If you have a fear of flying, we've previously mentioned a free ecourse to help you discover the underlying reasons why you might be afraid to take to the skies.)

You might learn that something that caused your fear was unsubstantiated or is no longer relevant. For example, I was a frail kid and broke my arm a couple of times (once just tripping on the lawn), which might explain my fear of heights now. Knowing this—and knowing that I'm much stronger now—might go a long way towards helping me feel more comfortable at roof parties.

Step 2: Visualize and Expose Yourself—Gently—To What You Fear

Visualization and gradual exposure are techniques often recommended for tackling fears. Imagine yourself in a situation confidently facing your fear, whatever it is. Guardalabene advises you be as clear as you can: If you're afraid of taking tests in a certain class, visualize every detail, like where you sit, the feel of the desk, who's sitting next to you, and so on. Imagine yourself in the situation and breathe.

Helpguide.org, a non-profit resource for confronting health challenges, suggests you gradually expose yourself to your fear by working up a "fear ladder". For example, if you're afraid of dogs, your fear ladder might be: look at pictures of dogs, watch a video with dogs in it, look at a dog through a window, stand across the street from a dog on a leash, etc.

If you have a very deep-seated fear, you may want to see a therapist for guided visualization or hypnosis. Dr. Wylie Goodman, a clinical psychologist in New York, says that in these techniques, the therapists helps you into a relaxed state so you feel safe and secure while facing the feared place or object. Sometimes it's harder for people to face their fears consciously, so these relaxed-state techniques and being guided by a therapist's voice might be more effective.

Although I didn't imagine myself climbing all those stairs and catapulting myself from that ridiculous height, perhaps in all those YouTube watching sessions I subconsciously placed myself there. I did visualize a happy outcome—emerging safely from the water tube and triumphantly writing this article. I think that provided motivation.

Step 3: Use Physical Tricks to Relax

Guardalabene recommended progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) or meditation to learn to relax all the parts of your body. When your body is relaxed, your mind may follow. (One trick we've mentioned before for PMR, when you tense different muscle groups in succession, is repeating "the" to stop your mind from racing.)

Learning deep breathing techniques can also help you deal with overwhelming feelings of panic.

If it's a critical, one-shot deal, like a medical test or plane flight, you can ask your physician for medication (e.g., Xanax) to help with your anxiety or fear.

A drink called "Miami Vice"—part pina colada, part strawberry daiquiri—was the physical relaxer I used to reduce my inhibitions and get relaxed enough to start climbing those stairs.

Bonus Points: Mind Hacks

When it's a singular event or task you want or have to overcome, use tricks to gain more courage and commit yourself to it:

  • Enlist others' help: Consulting with a therapist, asking a friend for advice, or posting your question on your social networks can make you more likely to follow through with something you might otherwise easily back off from.
  • Make it hard not to follow-through: You can overcome fear and anxiety by making it your only option, e.g., buying a manual transmission when you don't know how to drive stick shift to force yourself to learn to drive one. Spending a lot of money on something that you want to learn or do is usually a good incentive for overcoming that fear. Build in things that will make it hard for you to cop out; for example, walk a long way somewhere so if you don't take advantage of the opportunity it will be a waste of your time and energy.
  • Know yourself: If the event is something that you have control over (e.g., a walk-in clinic to get a shot or cliff diving at any moment), pay attention to your own clues so you can act when your adrenaline and confidence is highest. For example, I knew when my resolve started waning and I was hitting the "now or never" threshold. That's when I knew I had to start moving.

In the End: Acceptance

In the end, it may all come down to acceptance. Acceptance of the thing you fear and that you can't control it. All three psych experts I talked to referred to this acceptance concept. Dr. Goodman mentioned a Japanese approach called Morita therapy, which is outlined as: Accept Your Feelings. Know Your Purposes. Do What Needs to Be Done. (Sounds very Japanese, right?)

So, after you've done all your research, prepped yourself with visualization and gradual exposure, consulted with others, committed yourself to this task, and so on, just stop and try to relax until the event arises. (Or just keep practicing, building your strength.) Often, the fear of the thing is worse than the reality.

Your Turn

What tricks or strategies have you used to overcome your fears or nervous situations? We're all ears in the comments.

Photo remixed from originals by Fireice and ostill / Shutterstock.


Special thanks to Jeff Guardalabene, Wylie Goodman, and Andrew Canella for their help with this post.

Jeff Guardalabene, PsyD is a clinical psychologist in Portland, Oregon. He works in a college counseling center and blogs at drjeffblog.blogspot.com.

Wylie Goodman is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York City who works with clients both in-person and via Skype. She received her certification in Japanese psychotherapies from the ToDo Institute in Vermont and studied Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction with John Kabat-Zinn. You can learn more about her practice at her website, http://www.east-westpsychotherapy.com.

Andrew Canella holds a degree in psychology and runs Internet Soufflé, a technology and design blog with a focus on human factors engineering. His site is andrewcanella.com and twitter handle is @andrewcanella.


You can follow or contact Melanie Pinola, the author of this post, on Twitter or Google+. Number of comments
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Women In The World - Condoleezza Rice: My Meeting With Gaddafi

The CheatSheet

  Today: Bachmann: The Comeback Kid , Why Women Don't Win Massachusetts , New York Times Gets Its First Female Exec Editor
The Daily Beast Women in the World

Week of
October 20, 2011
EXCLUSIVE

In an exclusive excerpt from Condoleezza Rice’s soon to be released memoir No Higher Honor, the former secretary of state tells all about her meeting with the recently killed Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi: his eerie obsession with her (he called her his African Princess), his WMD stockpile—and his infamous “tent” in the desert.

COMEBACK?

While the guys on stage at Tuesday night's GOP debate we're busy out-shouting one another, Michele Bachmann stunned the crowd with an emotional-and unexpected-appeal to struggling moms. “When you talk about housing, when you talk about foreclosures, you’re talking about women who are at the end of their rope because they’re losing their nest for their children and for their family," she said. Is it enough to keep her in the spotlight? The Daily Beast's Michelle Goldberg weighs in.

RUDE

When writer Amy Reiter noticed that her unpleasant--but highly successful--boss never said "thank you" or "I'm sorry" in his emails to colleagues, she decided to try it out herself. And it worked--she found that her own work life actually improved. She might be on to something: A recent study found that people who are mean at work actually earn more than their nicer peers...as long as they don't push it too far.

BIAS

Massachusetts may revel in its liberal reputation, but it has struggled mightily to elect women to the state legislature. “Getting elected to statewide office here is a big launching pad for national politics. The men don’t want to give that up. Men see the opportunities and are damned if they’re going to let women in,” says Carol Hardy-Fanta, director of the Center for Women in Politics & Public Policy at the University of Massachusetts at Boston. With the fight heating up between Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren, writer Linda Killian examines whether Warren has the chance to smash the glass ceiling. To get involved, visit the 2012 Project, which seeks to increase the number of women in Congress and state legislature.

TRAILBLAZER

In a must-read piece about Jill Abramson, the first female executive editor of The New York Times, The New Yorker's Ken Auletta takes a hard look at her background as managing editor of the paper, her advocacy on behalf of women on the staff, and the obstacles she faces in the new job. Auletta recounts how, in Abramson's previous role, she was seen as a vocal champion for the newspaper's female employees, often throwing parties to celebrate their promotions—
efforts that endeared her to the women on staff but alienated her from many of the men.



ABOUT TIME
Anti-Female Circumcision Group Gains Steam
5,000 villages support Senegalese movement.
TOY WAR
Tattooed Barbie Sparks Outrage
Tokidoki doll meant for adult collectors, but parents balk.
PROGRESS?
German Companies Vow to Boost Women
To avoid legally imposed quotas for management.
GUT-WRENCHING
Women Who Kill the Men They Love
New documentary spotlights prisoners who murdered their abusers.
AWARENESS
Sex After Breast Cancer
Why this taboo topic deserves better research, open dialogue.
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