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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Onion Weekly Dispatch - May 30, 2012

The Onion

NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything 05.25.12

FAIRFAX, VA—National Rifle Association Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre said Monday that somewhere around 1,000 kids would have to die in a school shooting in order for the organization to reconsider their longstanding opposition to g...

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

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Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

"That’s smart. Making a to kill list increases the likelihood you’ll get those people killed."

PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers

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Behind The Pen: Collective Wisdom

If you like watching DVDs or streaming movies online, this week's must-see Behind the Pen video will reveal whether you are a sophisticated adult or a mixed-up teen.

opinion »

Hey, Everybody! This Cool New Tide Detergent Video Is Blowing Up All Over The Internet!

by Fred Hammond , Director Of Digital Video And Social Media Ad Integration, Tide Detergent

Hey, everybody, have you seen this awesome new web video from Tide detergent? I just checked it out online and, man, it is easily one of the coolest digital videos I've ever seen.

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Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

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Horoscope »

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.

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How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

May 30th, 2012Top Story

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

By Alan Henry

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics Some people have serious financial problems, but that's not you. You've got a savings account, have cleaned up your interest-bearing debt, are contributing to a 401(k), and all-around are in pretty good financial shape. So where do you go from here? What's the next step for those of us who know the basics but want to put our cash to better work?

Facebook's recent IPO got a lot of people excited about investing in companies (though the subsequent tanking of their stocks post-IPO may have made many of the same people gun shy). Still, you may be wondering how you can—or if you should—get in on some of that action. Unfortunately, the depths of the market are largely off-limits to individuals with a few bucks here or there to invest, but you can boost your personal portfolio in a number of ways after you've exhausted the basics of investing. That's what this post is all about.

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

Don't Jump The Gun: Make Sure Your Money Isn't Better Spent Elsewhere

Before you jump head-first into riskier financial waters, we need to make absolutely sure that you're really at the point financially where you have money to invest. J.D. Roth, editor of Get Rich Slowly, explained that before you start looking for new ways to invest your money, make sure you have the basics covered—and we don't just mean a 401(k), a positive balance in your checking account, and a $0 credit card balance. Photo by _e.t..

Before you venture beyond the basics, make sure you've hit all of the areas on this checklist first:

  • You have a budget. This may sound obvious, but it's important. Make sure that you have a budget and you're sticking to it, so you know at all times where your money is going, including this cash you want to save or invest.
  • You're saving for retirement. Your 401(k) and Roth IRA are great, but they're the bare minimum. Before you start thinking about other things to do with your money, consider how much you'll need in retirement, and commit to save as much as possible to make those long-term goals.
  • You've paid off your debt. We're not just talking about credit cards here. Your money isn't really yours until you've paid off your other debt. Student loans, car loans, mortgages, even if it's "good debt," your extra cash is better spent towards getting your net worth in the black before anything else.
  • You have an emergency fund. Usually 3-6 months of expenses saved up and stashed away, just in case. If you don't have one, here's how to start one.
  • You know how to save for life events and desired purchases. This means you know how to budget well enough to save for that new laptop you want, for your wedding, or for that dream vacation you've always wanted, without wrecking your budget or plunging into credit card debt to make it happen.

J.D explained that if you've hit all of the points above, you're ready to start thinking about intermediate savings, or taking that extra cash and putting it aside for other things. If you're not out of debt, or don't have a fully-financed emergency fund, you're better off putting your money there instead.

That can be daunting for a lot of people, because it implies you're better off paying off your home or your student loans before you start playing the investment game, or saving for luxury purchases. Of course, we've discussed how you can pay down your debt and invest at the same time, so you have options. Just choose your path wisely.

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

Option 1: Use "Targeted Savings" to Save for Specific Goals

If you have the basics covered, it's time to do some brainstorming. What exactly do you want to do with this excess money in your budget? Do you want to stash it away so it makes you more money? Perhaps there's something you've always wanted—a specific model of car, or a vacation home? Maybe you want to start your own business, or found a charity? Whatever it is, J.D. calls these goals "targeted savings," which use dedicated savings accounts and automatic deposits to keep you saving towards specific goals. He explains that this allows you to name and prioritize what you're saving for, and you can easily monitor your progress at any time. Photo by Jeff Turner.

Whatever your dream is, J.D. suggests you set up an interest-yielding savings account for it, and start diverting that extra money to it on a regular basis. Consider signing up for a service like SmartyPig, which helps you save for specific goals, to help you. It's not as sexy as investing or playing the stock market, but it uses skills you already have, puts your money to work for you, and most importantly, gets you where you want to go.

Option 2: Contact Your Retirement Fund Provider and Expand Your Portfolio

Talking to your investment firm about what to do with the extra money in your budget implies you want to put it somewhere it can grow and make more money for you, as opposed to save it for a specific goal. A good place to start is with the investment firm that holds your 401(k) or IRA, like Fidelity Investments or Vanguard.

Even if you're in a group retirement plan with your company, you can contact them about expanding your portfolio to include personal investments. It's worth noting that depending on the funds you want to invest in, you may have to front a certain amount of money just to get started, but if you have it, use it. Give the firm you have your retirement funds with a ring—they may just suggest you add the extra money to the funds you're already in, but others will be more than happy to help you open new lines of investments, and offer you some financial guidance to help you make the smart choices as well.

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

Option 3: Hire a Financial Planner and Sail for Risky Waters

Sometimes you have to spend money to make money, but a good financial planner can help you make smart decisions about other, more advanced options. Sure, a financial planner can help you make the smart saving decisions we've discussed up to this point, but that kind of advice is free—what you really want a financial planner or accountant's advice with are the tricky investment options, like these:

  • Buy/remodel an investment property: Many people buy a condo or vacation home just for a little rental income, but if you're not sure where to start, get help before you go shopping. The market is much different now than when this was more popular, and your mileage will vary depending on where you live and what you plan to do.
  • Start a private portfolio: Mutual funds offered by your 401(k) are one thing, but if you want to get into index funds, options, or even just start buying up stock in well-performing companies that you want to invest in, you'll need some assistance. By all means, go for it—just don't neglect your research.
  • Consider annuities: The folks at The Motley Fool suggest annuities, despite their cost and limited insurance coverage, are an option worth considering if you've already started investing elsewhere. They can be difficult to cash out of, but they can yield decent returns if you find a good one. The key, of course, is finding a good one, and The Motley Fool has some tips on how to do that.
  • Buy an investment vehicle: Depending on your age and the amount of risk you're willing to take, you can stash your extra money away in government bonds (low risk, low reward) or stock options and futures (high risk, high reward.) It's especially important to get a professional's help before wading into these waters: there are plenty of vehicles that do little more than fleece unsuspecting customers, so do your research and get help before writing any checks.

How to Put Your Money to Work for You, Beyond the Basics

Or, Stop Worrying and Manage Your Current Investments Instead

There are plenty of options available if you're wondering if there's a way to make your money work harder for you, as you can see. Even so, the vast majority of us will have a hard enough time paying down our debt and putting together an emergency fund. We mentioned it earlier, but you shouldn't go running into the wilds of investment properties and annuities until you're in sound financial shape. There's an old adage about gambling that applies here: "Don't play with money you can't afford to lose." Photo by 401k.

Despite all of these options, you may be better off simply putting your extra cash into your retirement fund, whether it's a 401(k) or an extra contribution to your Roth IRA at the end of the year. It's just easier to dump it into an interest-yielding savings account or a CD offered by your credit union, forget about it until it matures, and then roll it over or cash it out. The market rat-race can be alluring, especially when you read about IPOs that make investors boatloads of cash, or venture capitalists shoveling money into companies with big ideas and no products. However, J.D. points out that financial independence means different things to different people, and it's more than just "having a boatload of cash." Find out what it means for you, and work your way there.


How are you saving for the future? Do you believe in any specific investment vehicles beyond the tried and true ones everyone should have, or are retirement funds and IRAs really enough for most people? Share your financial thoughts—and advice—in the comments below.

J.D. Roth is the editor of Get Rich Slowly. He offered his expertise for this story, and we thank him.

Title photo by isak55 (Shutterstock).

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One Year Later, Did Nintendo Keep Their E3 2011 Promises?

May 30th, 2012Top Story

One Year Later, Did Nintendo Keep Their E3 2011 Promises?

By Tina Amini

One Year Later, Did Nintendo Keep Their E3 2011 Promises?For the fourth year in a row, we're comparing E3 hype to gaming reality. Sony was the subject of our first investigation. Today we check out Nintendo and will follow with Microsoft's E3 2011 promises on Thursday, at 1pm ET.

Nintendo had two, maybe three focuses at last year's E3 press conference. The most obvious is the unveiling of the Wii U, as well as new developments and games for the 3DS. The other was an arguably even more powerful point, and that was driving home nostalgia.

Being a company that provided games, hardware and even iconic characters that many grew up on, nostalgia was a powerful source for the Japanese-based corporation. They tickled at your every memory with announcements of planned games for both the 3DS and Wii U. But they also made a few other promises. Which did they follow through with?

Nintendo 3DS Game Releases

The Promise: The day of the conference, The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening will be made available around the world on the newly-launched eShop.
The Verdict: Promise kept. The 3DS release was made available on June 7 of 2011.

The Promise: The weekend after E3's conclusion, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time will be released in 3D. It will come with Master Quest and Boss Challenge modes.
The Verdict: Promises kept. Those with a 3DS could purchase an enhanced, 3D version of Ocarina of Time, new modes and all.

The Promise: September will see the release of The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords for 4-player multiplayer on the DSi. It will be free, a gift from Nintendo.
The Verdict: Promises kept...mostly. Four Swords released on September 28th internationally, and it was offered for free, but for a limited time.

The Promise: Skyward Sword will release for 2011's holiday season, on the Wii. Consumers will also be able to pick up a golden Wiimote as a promotional item in honor of the game's release.
The Verdict: Promise kept. Skyward Sword launched on November 20 in North America for the Wii console. If you forked over more money, you could get a bundle of the game that came packaged with the golden Wii remote, fully outfitted with Wii MotionPlus.

The Promise: Mario Kart 7 will be released in the 2011 holiday time frame for the 3DS.
The Verdict: Promise kept. Mario Kart 7 released on December 4 of 2011 in North America.

The Promise: Star Fox 64 3D will release in September of 2011 on the 3DS and feature group play, where you can watch your friends' expression as you defeat or lose to them.
The Verdict: Promises kept. Star Fox 64 3D released on September 9 of 2011 in North America. While the camera did capture your friends' expressions while playing to portray on the game, it only featured local multiplayer options. No online.

The Promise: Kid Icarus: Uprising will release on the 3DS later in 2011, with 3-on-3 multiplayer, and use augmented reality cards to conduct battles.
The Verdict: Promise not fully kept. Though Kid Icarus: Uprising did feature multiplayer and battles initiated through augmented reality cards, the game was delayed until 2012.

The Promise: Luigi's Mansion 2 will be releasing on the 3DS, with several new mansions at your disposal.
The Verdict: Promise not yet kept. Though not yet released, Nintendo never specified when Luigi and his vacuum would be returning.

The Promise: Nintendo announced a stack of other 3DS games to come.

  • Super Mario 3D
  • Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D
  • Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympics
  • Ace Combat 3D
  • Tetris
  • Cave Story 3D
  • Resident Evil: Revelations
  • Driver: Renegade
  • Pac-Man & Galaga Dimensions
  • Tekken 3D
  • Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D

The Verdict: Promises kept.

  • Super Mario 3D Land was released on November 13 2011 in North America.
  • Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D was released on June 28 2011 in North America.
  • Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympics was released on February 14 2012 in North America.
  • Ace Combat: Assault Horizon Legacy was released on November 15 2011 in North America.
  • Tetris: Axis was released on October 2 2011 in North America.
  • Cave Story 3D was released on November 8 2011 in North America.
  • Resident Evil: Revelations was released on February 7 2012 in North America
  • Driver: Renegade 3D was released on September 6 2011 in North America.
  • Pac-Man & Galaga Dimensions was released on July 26 2011 in North America.
  • Tekken 3D was released on February 14 2012 in North America.
  • Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater 3D was released on February 21 2012 in North America.

The Promise: The Nintendo eShop will offer a search function for 3DS game information, screenshots, and video (including in 3D).
The Verdict: Promises kept. Nintendo's eShop offers game details, screens, and video.

The Promise: Nintendo will offer game demos for both downloadable and retail software later in 2011.
The Verdict: Promise kept. Game demos were indeed added to the eShop, with many of them appearing in our Nintendo download round-ups.

The Promise: The Virtual Console will make old Game Boy and Game Boy Color games available for download. A 3D version of Excitebike will be made available for free for a limited time.
The Verdict: Promises kept. Gamers can download old school games, and were offered Excitebike 3D for free for a limited time after a 3DS update. Game Boy Advance and NES titles were also released on the Virtual Console.

The Promise: A Pokédex will allow you to register your Pokémon on the 3DS, exclusively on the Nintendo eShop and for free. AR markers let you superimpose images of your favorite Pokémon onto any real-life backdrop.
The Verdict: Promises kept. Pokédex 3D was exclusively released on the eShop, for free. We sampled some of the AR markers that were available.


Hardware/Wii U

The Promise: Nintendo unveiled their upcoming console, the Wii U. There are a slew of promises attached to this hardware announcement.

  • The Wii U will incorporate a new, tablet-like controller.
  • This new controller will allow you to switch between playing on the TV, and playing on the controller itself when a roommate, spouse or other needs to use the TV.
  • The controller will incorporate motion control, and let you draw pictures with it using the touch interface.
  • Said controller will provide new perspectives for games in addition to what you can see on the television. They used golfing as an example, whereby the player used a Wii MotionPlus to swing an imaginary club at a virtual ball laying on the tablet.
  • Players will be able to play across the controller and onto the TV. Flicking ninja stars at the screen was shown as an example.
  • The new controller will provide other Internet-based features, such as web browsing, sharing HD images between the controller and TV directly through a wireless connection, and video calls.
  • The controller boasts a 6.2 inch screen.
  • It will be backwards compatible, using all of the Wii's remotes (steering wheel and all).
  • The controller will have two analog circle pads, a D-pad, ZL and ZR buttons, as well as L and R buttons, and a rumble feature.
  • The controller will also have a touch screen, microphone, speakers, accelerometer, gyroscope, and an inward facing camera.
  • It will be releasing in 2012.

The Verdict: Promises not yet kept. But it's hard to say. The first time we checked out the Wii U, the basic hardware specifics and capabilities matched the promises listed above. It certainly looks how Nintendo described it. Stephen attested to HD graphics when he got his hands on the console. Images of the controller show the different perspectives that can games can be played with, including using a stylus.

We recently stumbled on some images of the controller that show it may not have circle pads, but rather analog sticks.

Regardless, we'll apparently be seeing the finished product at this year's E3. That's a promise I won't be able to confirm until a few days from now.


Wii U Game Releases

The Promise: Nintendo will be releasing a Smash Bros. game that will somehow allow the 3DS and Wii U to work together.
The Verdict: Promise not yet kept. Last we heard of this title, Nintendo was still looking for developers for the game.

The Promise: A new Super Mario Bros. will be released that lets you play with your Mii alongside Mario on either the controller or TV screen.
The Verdict: Promise not yet kept. Nintendo has released few concrete details on this mysterious Super Mario Bros. title. But we did see a prototype of New Super Mario Bros. Mii at last year's E3, as well as a few screens.

The Promise: Open world game Lego City Stories is in development under TT Games exclusively for the 3DS and Wii U.
The Verdict: Promise not yet kept. We haven't heard much from the game since the announcement at Nintendo's press conference, but there's time before the Wii U is released for TT Games to show otherwise.

The Promise: Nintendo showed a video of various developers' support, explaining which titles would be available on the Wii U.

  • Darksiders II will be available on the Wii U, at the game's launch.
  • Batman: Arkham City.
  • Tekken, a Wii successor.
  • Assassin's Creed.
  • Ghost Recon Online.
  • DiRT.
  • Aliens: Colonial Marines.
  • Metro: Last Light.
  • Ninja Gaiden III: Razor's Edge.

The Verdict: Promises not yet kept. Though some information spilled out of several of these titles after the announcement at the press conference, we still can't say for sure whether these titles will still be coming to Nintendo's upcoming console. A little more alarming is the fact that footage that was shown of the games in question weren't actually running on the Wii U, as many assumed.


Miscellaneous

The Promise: In honor of The Legend of Zelda's 25th anniversary, Nintendo will be hosting symphony concerts in each region of the world. It will begin in the Fall.
The Verdict: Promises kept. The orchestra's first appearance after their debut at the E3 press conference was in LA in October, followed by announcements of a much longer 2012 line-up.

The Promise: Nintendo will be releasing two CDs. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time OST will be released for free for those that register the 3DS game through Club Nintendo. The second is a CD based on the 25th anniversary orchestral concert that will release in conjunction with the launch of Skyward Sword.
The Verdict: Promises kept. Those who registered their 3DS Ocarina of Time received a mail out of the official soundtrack. Not only was the 25th anniversary concert CD released the same day as Skyward Sword, it was also offered as part of a more expensive Special Edition pack.


Minus what can't yet be proven, as the Wii U has yet to be released, Nintendo has a fairly great track record. There was a case of misdirection when Nintendo showed clips of some planned major releases for the Wii U, but the only promise that was blatantly not kept was the delay of Kid Icarus: Uprising. And I think we can forgive them for that. Number of comments