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That's all for now. See you at Kings of Code Festival 2012 (December 1 - 4) in Amsterdam? 
 
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The Onion Weekly Dispatch - November 19, 2012

The Onion

Scientists Develop Highly Volatile New Relationship 11.15.12

PALO ALTO, CA—Marking a major breakthrough in the study of highly charged atmospheres and intense fields of emotional instability, scientists at Stanford University announced Thursday they had synthesized an entirely new and extremely volatile form ...

Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012

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Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before

5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010

Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films

American Voices »

Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species

“Whoa, that could actually be a cool idea for a movie. Imagine—an entire island filled with deer.”

Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business

video »

Obama: 'I Will Allow 10 States To Secede, But No More'

An intern just happens to be a beautiful 22-year-old woman, Elmo admits he's uncomfortable working with a gay puppeteer, and the nation is horrified to learn about the war in Afghanistan while reading up on the Petraeus scandal.

opinion »

Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once

by A Raccoon

By A Raccoon

Radio News »

Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

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Horoscope »

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.

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Nintendo Boss Declares Wii U The Start of the Next Console Generation, Teases Looming Surprises

November 19th, 2012Top Story

Nintendo Boss Declares Wii U The Start of the Next Console Generation, Teases Looming Surprises

By Stephen Totilo

Nintendo Boss Declares Wii U The Start of the Next Console Generation, Teases Looming SurprisesThe Wii U is not the last of the first wave of high-def consoles that began with 2005's Xbox 360 and 2006's PlayStation 3, according to Reggie Fils-Aime. It's the first of what comes next.

"This is absolutely the beginning of a new generation," Fils-Aime told me during a quick interview late Saturday night, just minutes before the official launch of Nintendo's sixth home console. "With the innovation we're bringing to bear, with the social community we're bringing to bear, [and] with the video entertainment we're bringing to bear, I think this is the start of a new generation. I think those who say otherwise are clearly trying to preserve sales on their current hardware. This is definitely the start of a new day."

Those who beg to differ may wind up caught in semantics or in an un-winnable argument about whether a Wii U, destined to be vastly out-powered by the next PlayStation and Xbox as soon as late next year, is really the beginning a new gen. But it's undeniable that Wii U is a new chapter for Nintendo and, as with any new console, a big risk.

It's a risk for Nintendo to produce an interesting, unusual machine that adds a six-inch touch screen to the standard twin-stick controller.

It's a risk for gamers who, every time there's a new piece of hardware out, have to decide whether to spend a few hundred dollars investing in its future.

Fils-Aime: "This is definitely the start of a new day."

Fils-Aime believes there are a great variety of games for people to choose from, which he thinks should compel them to pick up the console. He boasted on Saturday night of having 29 packaged games hitting stores, with a promise to get 50 games out through the end of March—the close of the console's "launch window." Among the forthcoming games announced for that window are Pikmin 3, The Wonderful 101 and Lego City Undercover. "I think we will continue to surprise the fans with announcements and information," Fils-Aime said. "I would not go so far as to say you know everything in our launch window."

It is, of course, necessary to convince gamers that the system will be around and have good game support for a long time. Nintendo's own Zelda and Mario creations are guaranteed. It's third-party games, which have shown up in abundance at launch, that are not ensured to be there in the months and years to come. Fils-Aime thinks those games will be there, now that there's a Nintendo console that supports HD graphics and complex online play and communities. The original Wii lacked those things.

But some major upcoming third-party games for the first half of 2013 are not on the Wii U release calendar. There's no BioShock Infinite and no Grand Theft Auto V, which are slated for PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. Fils-Aime deflected a question about those two games, which are published by Take Two, suggesting they were too far off in the future to be discussing on launch night. "We're gratified when we read comments from companies like Take Two," he said. "We're gratified when we're inspiring the world's best developers to put content on our system."

Some Wii U versions of games released on other platforms have good bonus features. Assassin's Creed III and Mass Effect 3 both put the game's map on the Wii U controller's big six-inch screen. The latter also lets players pick weapons and powers without pausing or slowing the game's action. But if Wii U versions lack elements of these games that are on other platforms, players might hesitate on getting the Nintendo console edition of the game. Who's to blame? Nintendo? The game-maker? Or is this just a matter of imperfect launch-day ports, something that's been an issue for just about every new console ever? For example, there had been rumblings—confirmed since then—that a Wii U version of Mass Effect 3 might not have the next downloadable content that the PS3/360 versions of the game will have. "We have no policy limitation on DLC or on business model for third party publishers," Fils-Aime said, implying that any DLC would be welcome on the console. A rep for Mass Effect 3 development studio Bioware did not reply yet to a request for comment about why the Wii U version won't get the game's next expansion.

On the day after Fils-Aime and I spoke, the Wii U's online services ran into problems. Its new social network, Miiverse, kept going offline. Even when it was up, Miiverse's integration into Nintendo's own games was only operating sporadically. As of this writing, things seem better again, but it's just these kinds of issues that can worry a new consumer.

On Saturday night I'd asked Fils-Aime if potential Wii U buyers should worry about the delay of the much-hyped Nintendo TVii service from launch to December. That service is supposed to integrate a user's Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Prime and even cable feeds into one on-demand video-viewing portal. The Nintendo president was proud to point out that Netflix was available on day one on the Wii U but shared this answer about the TVii delay. "People should not be concerned about it at all," he said. "The fact that we are now launching it in December reinforces some key truisms about Nintendo: We launch a product when it is perfect in our eyes, not just because a certain date in the calendar has come up. Probably any other company would have launched it tonight."

Fils-Aime: "We launch a product when it is perfect in our eyes, not just because a certain date in the calendar has come up."

That promise of delivering perfection reads differently after a Sunday of Miiverse service problems on the heels of a shockingly large day-one firmware update that was required to access five of the 11 Wii U features advertised on the console's box.

Fils-Aime declined to say specifically what problems had kept TVii from debuting on launch but promised the service would be high-quality when it launches.

The Wii U is an ambitious console. Nintendo is launching a new console, a new type of game controller and a complicated new online service that includes a new online store and a new social network. Things can't possibly go perfectly. It can't all be rosy. It can be, however, the start of a new era, if not for gaming then for Nintendo. Say this is the beginning of a new generation? Sure. Let's hope it's a good one and let's hope Nintendo can deliver on what they've promised.

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America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of Thailand

November 19th, 2012Top Story

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of Thailand

By Caity Weaver

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandPour Michelle a big glass of white wine and light that one candle that I like ("cotton breeze") because Obama treated foreign policy decisions like Bachelor Rose Ceremony decisions this weekend, and we need to Talk About It.

Drudge Report described Obama's diplomatic jaunt as "touchy-feely," then swapped that out for the (less offensive? more offensive?) nonsense adjective "Flirtasian." The Daily Mail called the President's demeanor with the Thai Prime Minister "flirty."

"President Obama is practicing a new brand of foreign relations, appearing to flirt with Thailand's attractive prime minister on his first stop of his three-day tour of Southeast Asia.

The president and Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra could be seen laughing together and exchanging playful glances through a state dinner at the Government House in Bangkok on Sunday."

Having spent the last two decades inside a body, I am considered, by many, to be something of a "body language expert."

So what's really going on here? Are President Obama and Prime Minister Shinawatra "just friends"? Is she his secret side piece? Is she our new Mommy and does this mean our old Mommy stops loving us?

Please join me as I examine a series of incriminating still shots from a Ja Rule/Ashanti video Barack Obama's recent trip to Asia.

Suggested soundtrack for this visual journey: Barry White's Gold.

Who's That Lady with My President?

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandFirst, let's meet The Other Woman. Hi, kids. This is your President's "new friend," Yingluck Shinawatra. He says he met her because she's the Prime Minister of Thailand, but I'm pretty sure they met at the gym or on the Internet. There are a lot of creeps and weirdos on the Internet, kids, case in point: your President's "new friend"—Don't tell him I said that. That'll be a fun secret for us to have. As you can tell from her smug face, she's got a smug little face and wears a lot of perfume.

Stage 1: The Pick-Up Artist Emerges

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandIn this photo, Shinawatra is giving President Obama what is known as "the eyes." "The eyes" are her way of subtly telling the president, "I want to fuck you, bareback, maybe weird stuff," though she probably also said that un-subtly, with words.

The neckline of her jacket forms a pentagon pointing downward, indicating her intention to completely upend the United States government by causing #drama #sorrynotsorry.

Stage 2: A Moral Compass Breaks Down

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of Thailand Here, we see President Obama pausing mid-debate (he's also running for Prime Minister of Thailand) to weigh the consequences of an extramarital dalliance. Beyoncé's disappointed face flashes before his eyes. Does he dare turn his back on The Queen (Bey) for a night of passion and intense policy discussion with the PM?

Stage 3: Courtly Love

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandWelp, Obama's all in. Palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss. Obama and Shinawatra are literally making out in this picture, and they don't give a fuck.

Stage 4: The '03 Bonnie & Clyde: Hov and Bey

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandBy dinnertime the couple is completely enthralled with one another, their carefree gaiety on proud display. They are the hottest new power couple. They are the Barack and Michelle of International Relations. They are George Bluth and Kitty.
America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of Thailand

Stage 5: Bottles, Models, and Happily Ever After

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandHere, we see Obama and Shinawatra staring intently into one another's eyes, as toasting etiquette dictates. To what are they raising a toast? Themselves, of course – it's a surprise wedding! How Mark Zuckerberg of them.

Notice that Shinawatra holds her glass by its stem, like a lady, whereas Obama tosses all sense of decorum out the window and grabs his by the bowl, like a child that has been raised by wolves and then forgotten everything his wolf-family taught him about stemware. This gesture is Obama declaration to the world "I. Am. Wild."

But not so fast, Slick Rick with ya Trick Bitch.

Stage 6: The Secretary Suspects

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandHillary Clinton's got her eye on you.

Stage 7: Hate the Player, Admire His Game

America, Meet Your New First Lady: Obama's Foreign Side Piece, the Prime Minister of ThailandThe next day, in Myanmar, Obama forgot he was married again (to both Michelle and Shinawatra), and proceeded to mack all over democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi.

Body Language Expert Verdict

No more taking sips out of Joe Biden's "Playerade" (Cranberry juice, mixed with Red Bull, mixed with gin, mixed with whatever loose pills Biden finds in his jacket pocket) before diplomatic trips.

[Images via AP/Reuters/Fox]

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