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Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Onion Weekly Dispatch - March 28, 2012

The Onion

U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park 03.28.12

ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out ...

Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

News in Brief »

'The Recovery Is Here,' Reports Underemployed Man Making $20,000 Less Than He Used To

Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause

Closing Of State Aviary Facilities Puts Hundreds Of Mentally Ill Birds On The Streets

American Voices »

Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand

"It's not going to be easy to raise college graduation rates, but I know our nation has what it takes to systematically and drastically lower academic standards to achieve this goal."

Gingrich Photo Op: $50

video »

Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.

opinion »

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m The Only One Who Gives A Shit About Rich, Lustrous Hair

by Marcus Russo , President and CEO, Pantene

By Marcus Russo, President and CEO, Pantene

Radio News »

'Phantom Of The Opera' Viewers Treated For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder

featured section: »

Horoscope »

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN.

Most Popular »
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